Reignite Your Flame And Live Audaciously

[00:00:03] You are listening to Resilient Life, the podcast where we explore the power of resiliency.

[00:00:10] I'm Nikita Ross.

[00:00:12] It is my hope that listeners at this podcast will give you the tools to connect with

[00:00:18] and increase your resiliency.

[00:00:20] So join me on this adventure of self-discovery and self-love.

[00:00:28] Once I'm resigning live at the podcast where we explore the power of resiliency, I am

[00:00:33] showing by Dr. Brafford today.

[00:00:35] I am so excited to hear and learn from her, who was them, her knowledge and her experience.

[00:00:42] Dr. Brafford, thank you so much for joining us today.

[00:00:45] Please introduce yourself.

[00:00:46] Start by telling us if you want to be called Dr. B. Dr. Brafford, if you want to be called

[00:00:50] on coal.

[00:00:51] How do you want to be addressed?

[00:00:52] And then tell us all about maintaining your flame.

[00:00:55] I just want to know all the things.

[00:00:57] Well, thank you so much for the opportunity to be here.

[00:01:00] And as you mentioned, yes, I'm Dr. Brafford.

[00:01:03] You can call me Dr. B.

[00:01:04] You can call me Nicole, whatever you're comfortable with.

[00:01:07] But I'm just excited to have the opportunity to connect with you.

[00:01:10] You're doing so many great things in your life, such a testimony.

[00:01:14] So I'm blessed to be here with you today.

[00:01:17] So thank you for the opportunity.

[00:01:18] Thank you.

[00:01:20] Thank you.

[00:01:20] Thank you.

[00:01:22] Well, maintain the flame.

[00:01:24] This is my baby.

[00:01:25] This is a company I started in 2018.

[00:01:29] And I disestablished the company because in life, we all

[00:01:32] we grow up with this fire and this enthusiasm.

[00:01:35] We're so excited about life.

[00:01:38] But then as we begin to transition into the adult world,

[00:01:42] we tend to start conforming.

[00:01:44] We want to fit in with everyone.

[00:01:46] And we start chipping away and losing a part of our self.

[00:01:49] And so I design, maintain the flame,

[00:01:52] so that I can connect with individuals.

[00:01:54] So that they can design the life that they desire and start living

[00:01:59] and audaciously authentic life.

[00:02:02] I love that.

[00:02:03] That is absolutely beautiful.

[00:02:05] I have a follow up question.

[00:02:07] Does this start with helping people get to the life they desire?

[00:02:10] What if a person doesn't, they have an identified yet

[00:02:13] the life that they desire?

[00:02:14] They haven't heard time do you work with those individuals as well?

[00:02:17] And if you do, what does that look like?

[00:02:19] Most definitely.

[00:02:20] If you haven't identified or cannot remember what excites you

[00:02:25] or what your passion is, or even if you're questioning my purpose,

[00:02:28] what is my purpose here?

[00:02:29] Well, that's when I join with you and I've become your advocate.

[00:02:33] I become your accountability partner.

[00:02:35] I'm going to cheer you on.

[00:02:37] And we're going to do the hard work of going back

[00:02:39] and remembering, let's think about things that you enjoyed

[00:02:41] when you were younger.

[00:02:43] Before you start being an adult, before you were a parent,

[00:02:46] before you started pouring into and caring about everyone else.

[00:02:50] What are those things that made you so excited?

[00:02:53] You would wake up, oh my goodness, I cannot wait

[00:02:55] to get an occasion in vain.

[00:02:57] Or I've always wanted to have my business.

[00:02:59] Whatever it is, that's what I want to help you identify.

[00:03:03] I want to re-ignite that fire inside of you.

[00:03:06] So you can move forward and have the life that you designed.

[00:03:10] I love that.

[00:03:11] That seems like it takes

[00:03:13] and we know that you have extensive education

[00:03:16] and your background isn't education.

[00:03:18] But it seems like it takes a lot of just motivation

[00:03:20] and self-pursive years to be,

[00:03:22] but I hope coach someone else through identifying that.

[00:03:25] What does that look like for you?

[00:03:26] How did you get to say, I want to help people do this?

[00:03:30] Like, what is there something that happens

[00:03:31] to you to make you reconnect with your flame?

[00:03:34] What was it?

[00:03:35] Well, I just believe all my life, at first and foremost,

[00:03:39] I give my honor and praise to God.

[00:03:41] I think he put that fire inside of me.

[00:03:44] And I've always been this way.

[00:03:45] Even in high school, my friends will tell you,

[00:03:47] oh my goodness, here comes Nicole again.

[00:03:49] She wants to help everybody.

[00:03:51] I hate for people to be left out.

[00:03:53] That was just my thing growing up.

[00:03:54] So my friends, I had very diverse.

[00:03:56] All of them were diverse backgrounds.

[00:03:59] All types of people because I thought it was so important

[00:04:02] for people to be loved on, to be appreciated and included.

[00:04:06] And that was big for me.

[00:04:07] So I've just continued that.

[00:04:10] And for myself, I've always been an underdog.

[00:04:13] I don't believe, you know, I wasn't the smartest,

[00:04:15] even though I was outgoing, I love people,

[00:04:18] but academically, I just didn't fit

[00:04:20] because it took time.

[00:04:22] It took perseverance.

[00:04:23] I had to get in there and I had to study

[00:04:25] and I had to find out how to become successful in education.

[00:04:29] And so my goal is to connect with people

[00:04:31] that kind of didn't have, or still trying to figure it out.

[00:04:34] There are times when people want you to be silent,

[00:04:37] don't speak out about that.

[00:04:39] We just go along to get along.

[00:04:42] And so I had to come to grips that Nicole,

[00:04:44] throughout this entire process,

[00:04:46] you must always stand in your truth.

[00:04:49] And it's okay if you don't fit.

[00:04:50] It's okay if you're not accepted

[00:04:52] because those individuals that you're trying to force yourself

[00:04:55] into, that's not where you belong.

[00:04:58] So you have to stand in your truth.

[00:05:00] You must stand tall and understand

[00:05:02] that there's a different purpose

[00:05:04] and a different calling on your life.

[00:05:06] And you must be willing to let your light shine bright

[00:05:09] and continue to move forward.

[00:05:11] Oh, my goodness, Dr. B.

[00:05:13] Oh, my goodness.

[00:05:15] That was so profound.

[00:05:18] One of the things that sticks out first

[00:05:20] that you spoke about is this learning who you are

[00:05:25] and accepting it and standing in it.

[00:05:27] And it's hard for us sometimes.

[00:05:29] Very soon.

[00:05:30] As I've been your experience when you're working

[00:05:32] with others that part of it is teaching them to identify

[00:05:35] who they are and not just like what's archie-be-ho-m-i.

[00:05:39] And then standing in it because it may be different

[00:05:41] than the people around you.

[00:05:42] And you may not connect with those people

[00:05:44] as much anymore because you are getting your third degree

[00:05:47] because you are starting your own business

[00:05:49] because whatever and it's different.

[00:05:52] What, how did you work through that?

[00:05:56] Well for me personally, I just got tired

[00:05:59] of hitting my head against the brick wall.

[00:06:01] I kept running into, you know,

[00:06:03] I'm trying so hard to fit in.

[00:06:05] I want you to like me and eventually I had to say,

[00:06:07] you know what?

[00:06:08] It's okay if you don't understand.

[00:06:10] It's okay that you're gonna go along

[00:06:12] with this item agenda at work

[00:06:14] and you're going to say this in front of them.

[00:06:17] But majority, a lot of people will come to me

[00:06:19] during the break room or send me a text.

[00:06:21] Oh, girl, I can't believe you say it,

[00:06:23] but thank you for standing up.

[00:06:24] So I knew Nicole, wait a minute.

[00:06:27] It's just the fact that you're not willing

[00:06:29] to compromise who you are.

[00:06:31] You have those standards.

[00:06:32] You have healthy boundaries

[00:06:34] and you're gonna have to be okay being who you are.

[00:06:37] And it was a tough lesson.

[00:06:39] It took time for me to get to love myself,

[00:06:41] but I truly believe that God allows us

[00:06:44] to go through things to be able to help other people.

[00:06:47] So I'm consistently being transparent.

[00:06:49] I'm consistently living my life as a testimony

[00:06:52] and helping others know that you're gonna make this decision.

[00:06:56] Let's first figure out who you are.

[00:06:58] Let's stand in that truth.

[00:07:00] But let's also go over the consequences,

[00:07:03] positive and negative that comes along with that

[00:07:06] and make sure that you're okay continuing to stand

[00:07:09] despite whatever the outcome may be.

[00:07:13] Oh, my goodness.

[00:07:14] Oh, my goodness.

[00:07:16] I am still working on that as an individual learning

[00:07:20] to stand in my differentness

[00:07:23] because I am different than the people around me.

[00:07:26] And I'm still learning that.

[00:07:28] So thank you for sharing it.

[00:07:29] That's very, very inspiring.

[00:07:32] You are an amazing speaker.

[00:07:35] You are because it comes from,

[00:07:36] you can tell when you speak,

[00:07:37] it comes from a place of purity.

[00:07:39] It doesn't come from a place of ego.

[00:07:41] And so I just want to thank you for doing this work

[00:07:44] that you're doing and touching the people

[00:07:46] that you're touching even if you don't even know.

[00:07:48] Sometimes we touch people and we don't realize it.

[00:07:51] So that should be I just want to know that.

[00:07:53] You're touching me or inspiring me.

[00:07:55] And I'm sure there are other people

[00:07:56] who you may not even ever know you inspire.

[00:07:59] So thank you for that work.

[00:08:00] Thank you.

[00:08:01] I appreciate it.

[00:08:02] Thank you.

[00:08:03] Dr. B. How do you define resilience?

[00:08:07] I believe resilience is just when that individual refuses

[00:08:10] to give up.

[00:08:12] They have had doors closed in their face.

[00:08:15] They've lost people in their lives

[00:08:17] and despite what they continue to go through.

[00:08:20] They refuse, I'm going to leave my mark on this book.

[00:08:23] I'm going to leave a legacy for others to follow.

[00:08:27] And for me, I thought at first,

[00:08:29] I would think at times, you know, God, why does this keep happening?

[00:08:33] Or why did you select me?

[00:08:35] And the last three years of both of my parents' life

[00:08:38] I was able to take care of them.

[00:08:40] And my mom had a huge her religion

[00:08:43] was very important to her and she had great faith.

[00:08:46] And with her Parkinson's disease,

[00:08:48] I would say, you know, and it would hurt.

[00:08:50] Because I'm looking at the two strongest people in my life.

[00:08:53] And I was like, why is this happening to you?

[00:08:55] And she said, you know, why not?

[00:08:58] Why not mean it cold?

[00:08:59] And so this woman even when she was sick

[00:09:02] and her body was failing her.

[00:09:04] But her mind was still there.

[00:09:06] She was resilient.

[00:09:07] And she continued to push on.

[00:09:09] And I take that from her as well as my dad

[00:09:12] to keep me focused.

[00:09:14] Because resiliency is that you have the strength

[00:09:17] and you must know deep inside.

[00:09:19] It looks bad now.

[00:09:20] But it will not always be this way.

[00:09:23] And so you must have that courage to keep moving forward.

[00:09:26] And so the example I use for others with resiliency,

[00:09:30] I lost my dad in 2021.

[00:09:32] I'm sorry.

[00:09:33] My mom thank you in 2022.

[00:09:36] And in 2023, just when I thought,

[00:09:38] okay, I've got no for the bad.

[00:09:40] So I can start to work on my grief.

[00:09:42] I find out you have endometrial cancer.

[00:09:45] And so I can try to use my life as examples for others

[00:09:49] because you know and I don't want to get too far in it

[00:09:51] and offend anyone.

[00:09:53] But you think, you're older.

[00:09:55] And I think I was 47 or 48.

[00:09:56] Then I'm thinking, I'm just spotting

[00:09:58] because I'm stressed.

[00:10:00] And so I went and the lady said,

[00:10:02] okay, you're sorry.

[00:10:03] And she said, well, let's do some extra testing.

[00:10:06] And that's when I found out.

[00:10:08] And so I had to have a total hysterectomy.

[00:10:10] And I just think when you are getting knocked down consistently,

[00:10:14] consistently, you must take time to take a step back,

[00:10:18] pause and say, yes, this hurts.

[00:10:21] Yes, this is painful, but I'm not going to say here always.

[00:10:26] So let's focus on the positive in the situation

[00:10:29] so that you can move forward.

[00:10:31] Oh, I guess I think that is such a personal intimate

[00:10:35] vulnerable definition of resiliency.

[00:10:37] And I think you so much for sharing that.

[00:10:40] And I think if we're being vulnerable

[00:10:42] and sharing that part of your story,

[00:10:45] I love that definition of resiliency.

[00:10:47] And you are, one of the questions is, are you resilient?

[00:10:51] We are not.

[00:10:51] I might be going to ask you that question.

[00:10:53] We already know.

[00:10:55] You are resilient.

[00:10:56] You are sharing some things that have been really, really tough

[00:11:00] and yet here you are.

[00:11:01] And I always hope you will result in a about being perky,

[00:11:05] but it's about the things that you talked about

[00:11:07] is I'm not giving up.

[00:11:09] It's not going to be this bad forever.

[00:11:12] And having that hope and knowing that things will change

[00:11:14] in the future.

[00:11:15] And so I love that definition.

[00:11:17] Thank you so much.

[00:11:18] Oh, thank you.

[00:11:19] I try to just always focus on my favorite Bible verse.

[00:11:23] And that's what you have faith as a grain of a mustard seed.

[00:11:26] You should say to this mountain, remove and it shall be removed.

[00:11:30] And he only asks for us to have just a mustard seed.

[00:11:33] So if you looked at a mustard seed and I had never

[00:11:36] I'm not really big at cooking.

[00:11:37] I mean, but I went and I saw it.

[00:11:39] And I was like, oh my goodness, this is just a drop.

[00:11:42] And if you hold onto that and it's going to be difficult,

[00:11:44] you'll cry, you'll be angry,

[00:11:47] you'll go through all the things.

[00:11:49] But once you get up every day,

[00:11:50] I'm going to give it my best.

[00:11:52] Something good is going to happen today.

[00:11:54] And you believe it and you keep pressing for it.

[00:11:57] And eventually, you'll be able to move out of that situation

[00:12:00] so that you can use your life in your testimony

[00:12:04] to help someone else.

[00:12:06] I love that summer.

[00:12:07] Thank you.

[00:12:08] Dr. B. One, may just smile today.

[00:12:12] I would say today talking to my son.

[00:12:14] My children just like me up.

[00:12:17] I mean, there are just, you know, that's everything for me.

[00:12:19] And since making sure that they're happy,

[00:12:22] being able to connect with them,

[00:12:24] I have a 27, a 22 and a 21.

[00:12:28] And I just love being around them.

[00:12:30] I know with their gone now, they're older.

[00:12:33] But whenever I have an opportunity to connect with them,

[00:12:36] it just reignites my flight, my flame.

[00:12:39] And I'm one of their biggest fans.

[00:12:40] So I know even if my son is on the football field

[00:12:43] or I'm going to see my daughter in college or I'm even going

[00:12:46] to my daughter that's a teacher's class,

[00:12:48] the little first graders are looking at me like,

[00:12:51] uh, you're mom okay and I'm like,

[00:12:54] But it just reignites my flame and

[00:12:57] it helps me to remember my purpose on this earth.

[00:13:01] I love that.

[00:13:02] What I hear when you share that is

[00:13:05] this importance of

[00:13:07] of just being our children's biggest supporters

[00:13:10] and if we're that foundation,

[00:13:11] when we go on to the world,

[00:13:13] they know if the world is difficult.

[00:13:16] I have mom,

[00:13:18] I think it's going to be their mom's going to,

[00:13:21] so I love that and I think that is a very good

[00:13:25] model for parents.

[00:13:27] And in the other part is sometimes there is this misconception

[00:13:32] that when our children are 18 more done.

[00:13:34] I don't know when that started to wear it started.

[00:13:36] It's it's wrong.

[00:13:37] It's completely wrong.

[00:13:38] And so you listing your children's ages

[00:13:40] but saying I am still showing up and cheering

[00:13:45] and just being there for them,

[00:13:47] which is it's good and it's it's it also implies that we have to

[00:13:51] make sure that we are in a healthy place

[00:13:53] ourselves so that we can be there for our children.

[00:13:57] And so I am with that.

[00:13:58] And that's so important.

[00:14:00] I've shared and people that have heard my story,

[00:14:03] I grew up in a home full of domestic violence.

[00:14:06] And unfortunately, you know,

[00:14:08] my parents were not in a place where they could do the work.

[00:14:11] And so that was just back in the day,

[00:14:13] you know, we were taught you stand relationships.

[00:14:16] You love you pray and move forward.

[00:14:18] They were able to reconcile but that life had an impact on my life.

[00:14:23] So when you say that it's important that parents do the work,

[00:14:26] it's essential that we do the work.

[00:14:28] It had I not gone and sought out counselors

[00:14:31] to help me understand the call.

[00:14:33] It doesn't matter where you were raised or that environment.

[00:14:36] It's what you do with your life as a result.

[00:14:39] And so as an educator with two over two decades of experience,

[00:14:42] I always try to share that with my parents because you're correct.

[00:14:46] I've been on the kindergarten all the way through college-level working

[00:14:50] and the parents show up in full force.

[00:14:52] My baby's graduating from kindergarten and she can write her name.

[00:14:56] And yes, yes, yes, but then you get into middle school and

[00:14:59] a few, but then you go to high school and you're like,

[00:15:03] come on guys and even college.

[00:15:05] But our babies need us even more as a transition to the middle and high school

[00:15:10] years because there are so many distractions.

[00:15:14] There is so much this out, they're competing for their attention.

[00:15:18] And yes, we were fortunate to be raised when we were

[00:15:21] but we have no idea how difficult it is for children to be young now.

[00:15:26] And so they need those advocates.

[00:15:28] We need those parents that are going to say not just how was your day.

[00:15:31] I want to talk about some things that's going on today.

[00:15:34] Can I come by and have lunch with you?

[00:15:36] Even in middle school and high school,

[00:15:38] can I come sit down and have lunch with you today?

[00:15:40] Let me check in on you.

[00:15:42] As a scroll in that social media, let's look at what you're looking at.

[00:15:45] Oh yeah, okay, I didn't know you followed her.

[00:15:48] So doing the check-ins and letting them know,

[00:15:51] I am accountable for you and I'm going to hold you accountable but we're going to be partners in this.

[00:15:55] This journey you have meet for life.

[00:15:58] And so more children are crying out and they need that.

[00:16:02] As an assistant principal, I've had kids come to me in high school.

[00:16:06] You know, my parents are going to be gone for a week.

[00:16:08] I'm going to be at home.

[00:16:09] They're going traveling or I wish I could talk to my parents about this doctor

[00:16:13] being the way I can talk to you make time.

[00:16:17] We make these jobs priorities.

[00:16:19] We make all the other things in our lives of priority because we think we've raised them

[00:16:23] to a point that they can fin for themselves.

[00:16:26] But they need you every step of the way.

[00:16:29] And so that's why you need to maintain your flame.

[00:16:31] The flame you had for them where they were a baby and they're so cute.

[00:16:35] Your turn and I've shown them off and you're so excited that same flame is still inside of you.

[00:16:41] To reunite, get connected to your children, so more to them advocate for them and love on them.

[00:16:47] I agree with that.

[00:16:49] I want to, if it's okay, Dr. Bia will like to add to the eye agree with everything you're saying

[00:16:53] for me, the experience of parenting was different.

[00:16:56] I did have the flame but or and because I had so much trauma myself,

[00:17:05] it was difficult for me to give my children what they needed because I was too busy

[00:17:12] and survival mode if that makes sense.

[00:17:15] And so it took as you said years of for me therapy to be able to get through my own wounds

[00:17:23] so that I could be that parent that my children needed.

[00:17:28] And it also need to be accountable to say, hey, you didn't get the parent you deserved when you were younger.

[00:17:35] And I once will apologize for that and I want to spend the rest of my life being the parent you deserve.

[00:17:42] I love it.

[00:17:43] Yeah. That's amazing.

[00:17:45] Yeah. And so it's I agree with we want to get in contact connect with that flame.

[00:17:51] But we also have to I want to say of why you know, I love my kids.

[00:17:56] I love my kids but sometimes it's even hard to get to there because some parents are still so caught up in

[00:18:02] their their own trauma or their it's illness or whatever it is. And so I would I would add I love that

[00:18:08] and I would add let's let's it starts with our our own selves.

[00:18:13] And it's very, most definitely because even for my parents and I always say that and you know a lot of

[00:18:19] people may grow up and be older and have that resentment towards their parents.

[00:18:23] But I had to learn throughout my life that my parent did the best that they could have with what they had.

[00:18:28] And so the counseling was not a thing back then. It was not looked upon to do those things.

[00:18:34] And growing up, I didn't hear I love you until I went away to college.

[00:18:40] And it's because I was commuting I didn't want anything to happen.

[00:18:43] And so towards the latter part of my life I heard that but it was okay for me even though it may have

[00:18:48] heard I understood where she was coming from and where my parents were coming from because you can't

[00:18:54] give what you don't have. So recognizing and doing that work makes a difference. And so I just try to

[00:19:01] utilize my experience to help other parents know what you're overlooking or what you think may not be

[00:19:07] important is huge in the eyes of your children. So let's take care of you. Let's get you healthy

[00:19:14] so that you can give them what they need to have success. I love that. Yes, I love that. Oh my

[00:19:21] good, she's not like you are busy all the time. Dr. B how do you celebrate yourself?

[00:19:28] Well, I used to have a very hard time with that to be totally honest and transparent. Again,

[00:19:34] I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I had very very low self esteem. I had short hair. I was

[00:19:44] no. And that curl and so I go to the store and I'm at McDonald's. I'm trying to order.

[00:19:51] And the guy is like, man, help you, sir. And I'm like, do you know I am a girl? I'm a girl. So I didn't

[00:19:57] have the best self esteem but I've learned over time. Nicole, you cheer for your kids. Nicole,

[00:20:05] you go hard and you advocate for your babies in the at the school. Note everyone until you think

[00:20:10] everybody in this field and belong to you. Yes, ma'am, you do. And you will cheer for your teachers

[00:20:15] in your staff but then I'd leave and that was it. As long as I'm taking care of them, as long

[00:20:22] as they felt good today, you know, why am I important? But I had to learn through therapy, as you mentioned,

[00:20:29] and through reflection and prayer and seeking out the Nicole, you're a God first and then you.

[00:20:35] If you don't love yourself, how do you expect anybody else to love you? How do you expect

[00:20:41] anybody else to take care of you? So the way that I celebrate is just small things. I'd love to

[00:20:48] try and do my hair. My mom was big on that. If you don't calm your hair, it's just right. And so

[00:20:54] whenever I'm walking around, I hear her saying, go calm your hair and put on some clothes. And so

[00:21:00] that was it because I'm just okay, I just throw on anything but I'm learning to shop. So I love

[00:21:05] to shop for myself. I don't like the store as a lot and I'd call my hair. That's just a big thing for me.

[00:21:12] Making sure I get my hair comb so my mom could be at peace. I love that. There's this expression

[00:21:18] when you look good, you feel good. And so I like that the comment over here. I like it. Tell me

[00:21:25] what is the thing song of your life? So if you were looking in the mirror and you're either saying,

[00:21:31] oh, Dr. B, you come to her great today or it's a rough day I need to get pumped up. What what's the song?

[00:21:38] Oh that's a good question. And you know what I usually ask people that I should have been okay

[00:21:42] that's a good that's a very good question my song for not just for today. It's just get myself

[00:21:48] energized. Yes, correct. I get oh wow I didn't expect that. I get emotional thinking about this because

[00:22:00] I tell my kids when they were little. My song is I hope you dance and her lyrics I just love the way

[00:22:11] that they they what the lyrics say I hope you still feel small when you say and she said I hope

[00:22:16] you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean and ever one door open one more opens. And it's just

[00:22:25] saying in the trials that you're going through through life I want you to just stand up and dance

[00:22:30] and just continue to push forward. And I that's my song to them because for my kids I always told

[00:22:36] him, honey, I don't care if you want to be a clown. I don't care if you want to whatever it is

[00:22:42] whatever. What I want you to do is I want you to be the best that you could be and at the end of the day I

[00:22:47] want you to be happy. So even at 27, 22 and 21 when we're talking before I get off the phone

[00:22:54] not always ask my babies are you happy because money is not going to do it. Job is not going to do it.

[00:23:02] I need them to understand your joy comes from the inside and as long as you're happy living in the

[00:23:12] room this together but I think that's very important. So I hope you dance. I just love those lyrics.

[00:23:18] I used to sing it to them when they were babies and that's my song of my life so I'd be

[00:23:23] helped to encourage myself as well as my children. Thank you for sharing that. Dr. B, what

[00:23:30] have you learned about yourself recently? I have learned recently that I am stronger than I think.

[00:23:40] Yes. And that took some time as well but because I always would see other people and I say oh my god

[00:23:46] she's so strong she's so we can always see the great things and everybody else but if you think about

[00:23:53] the last couple of years in my life I'm very proud of myself because I've been willing to stand up

[00:24:00] when others have not and so I've learned in the last couple of years. Nicole you've lost your mom

[00:24:07] you've lost your dad. You've lost a lot of things that were important to you but number one you're still

[00:24:13] standing and you still have love for life and love for others and you refuse to quit. I think for me

[00:24:21] I just needed that reflection to say you know Nicole you've gone through major things that most people

[00:24:27] would not still be standing and fighting through and so sometimes you have to stop and applaud yourself

[00:24:34] and as you ask this question I'm not good with that because I'm so into helping and looking

[00:24:39] and applauding others but I've learned after sitting down and writing it down and reflecting

[00:24:46] you know what I'm a little stronger than I think I'm stronger than I think and there's some good

[00:24:51] things that even though it's been tough but the the good is you're being walking into who you are

[00:24:57] you're standing in your truth and you're loving yourself more and more each. I think that's wonderful

[00:25:03] it's sometimes the helpers, the healers, the teachers, the educators, the motivators we

[00:25:09] sometimes neglect ourselves and I'm happy to hear that you have say wait a minute. I can't

[00:25:15] refer with those two so I'm happy to hear that. Can you tell us about your elevate model?

[00:25:23] Okay well my elevate model is focused on the maintain the acronym it comes from maintain the flame

[00:25:30] and so it has eight strategies that you can utilize in your life to elevate your life to continue

[00:25:36] to hold on to that flame. You don't have to use them at any particular order but it's just

[00:25:41] eight strategies that you can apply to your mind and so the first one is your mindset.

[00:25:48] We all know the importance of a positive mindset and I'm not just saying let's just read the

[00:25:53] positive affirmations that's part of it I think those help and you know when my son was little

[00:25:59] he said you know we're just saying these affirmations but we have to believe them that's

[00:26:04] the things so that mindset having that positive mindset shifting your mindset so you truly believe

[00:26:12] what you're saying and if you believe what you're saying you can envision yourself being there

[00:26:17] having the podcast having the business but that positive mindset is important and then the next step

[00:26:24] is a action we could sit here all day and say how great it would be if you know we just go out

[00:26:31] and go down the street and do some things but until we get up and we start making steps

[00:26:37] then nothing's going to happen so you must take action towards your goals your aspirations

[00:26:42] whatever it is for me I've been I'm about to be 50 and so I would always say you know what I want

[00:26:48] to get back to that that body before I had kids and my baby is 21 and my baby fat is still there

[00:26:57] 21 years later but one day I'll be able to have that body but I have to take actions steps. I got

[00:27:03] to get up and it's I'm not seeing just come up with an entire plan one or two things that you want to do

[00:27:10] so maybe it's going walking down the block or doing some crunches whatever it is take action.

[00:27:16] The next letter is I being intentional with our lives making sure that we have a plan and a

[00:27:22] purpose and a goal that we can stick to the coming up with a partner that's going to hold as

[00:27:27] accountable but you must be very intentional with the life that you want to live. The next letter is in

[00:27:33] nurture, nurture yourself more and more every day there's so many of us out there that want to give

[00:27:39] away to everyone else but then you'll be empty so nurture yourself make sure that even if you have

[00:27:45] children at the end of the day you say you know the last 30 minutes of the evening that's my time

[00:27:50] I'm going to read a book or on your way home just sit in your car when you pull up and give yourself

[00:27:55] five or ten minutes to decompress before you go into the house but making sure you're doing

[00:28:01] something to nurture yourself. Then the next letter letter is T for tenacious we must hold on to

[00:28:08] dream with everything that we have I'm not going to stop until I get there. I'm going to be

[00:28:14] tenacious about this life that I want. I'm going to keep working towards it and don't let go.

[00:28:19] And then we have the next eight is being authentic you must show up as your authentic so this has been

[00:28:25] the call I've been hyper and energetic my entire life that's just me I'm very authentic I'm very

[00:28:32] energetic so show up and be authentic. Then the next letter is I integrity you must stand in your

[00:28:40] true and be able to hold on to that integrity knowing that there are consequences and then the last

[00:28:46] letter is in for non-negotiables. I'm not saying that you can't compromise of course we want to be flexible

[00:28:53] but come up with your non-negotiables set those healthy boundaries if you're working a full time

[00:28:59] if you're a teacher you know what I'm going to at the end of the day I'm going to stay in extra hour

[00:29:04] check my emails but then I'm not checking them to the next day. I need to go pouring to my own children.

[00:29:10] I need to be present for my children. I'm going to put away myself. So whatever it is set up

[00:29:15] you're non-negotiables so you can have the life that you decide. I think that's a great model.

[00:29:21] What brings you joy? What brings me joy is have been able to have my moments in the morning,

[00:29:27] my meditation, and connect to God. I always say that you know we charge a bar charger

[00:29:34] and then we leave for the day and when we need it we charge back up but so many of us forget

[00:29:40] that important part. I don't want to start my day without you because I couldn't be good to myself

[00:29:46] for anyone else just recharging every morning so that I'm able to live my best life.

[00:29:53] Thank you. I like that. Dr. B. How is your self-talk? How do you challenge negative thoughts that

[00:29:59] come up throughout the day? Oh, that's definitely. I believe and for honest we all go through

[00:30:06] that at some point and I know in the word it talks about taking your thoughts captive and sending

[00:30:12] it back and so for me that's been a challenge to be honest again as I shared with you. I grew up

[00:30:17] very love self-esteem and so even in my book my soul is not for sale. It talks about removing

[00:30:23] the lies, the labels and limitations. Well sometimes the world will tell us lives that we choose

[00:30:29] to believe and we internalize it. Sometimes the world will place labels on us, the angry black

[00:30:35] woman who choose to believe them and sometimes the world will try to limit us and so we adopt

[00:30:42] some of those things that have been said to us and it affects the way we view ourselves. And so what

[00:30:48] I've had to do is stop myself when I'm thinking negatively, to call no what's the positive in this

[00:30:53] situation. If not the positive, I'll send it back but that's not a true statement. There are times

[00:31:00] when it's very very difficult and I will be honest but I do my very best to make sure I'm shifting

[00:31:06] my mindset. I'm redirecting myself to call no let's look at the positive we're not going there and so

[00:31:12] I talk to myself and you know it might not be good out loud but I have to keep myself

[00:31:18] encouraged and I have to advocate for myself but sending those negative thoughts back and replacing

[00:31:23] it with something positive. It's easier said than done but the more that you do it the more

[00:31:29] you're going to expect it for yourself and the better off you'll be. Thank you for that honest

[00:31:34] open answer I think it's so important for people to know that we all have very similar struggles

[00:31:43] and I want different guests that come on and share what they did or what they do so that we can

[00:31:50] want to know that we're normal and then to like all of me try that and so for you to be open and

[00:31:56] honest while so you're so accomplished you're so educated and you're helping others and say

[00:32:01] and then saying hey I'm not perfect I have struggles as well. I love that and that is literally

[00:32:08] why I started the podcast for those reasons because sometimes I've seen so many people start to

[00:32:14] idolize individuals who are popular or famous and they're like oh I want to be like such and

[00:32:19] such and I'm like they also have problems. Yes we all have problems. You're right. And so thank you

[00:32:27] I just want to say thank you so so much for that honest and open answer. So the time for me to

[00:32:33] reconnect with that inner child or to use your words, maintain that flame is when I'm with my babies

[00:32:42] with my family. When is that for you? I would say the same with my friends, my family,

[00:32:49] with my babies. My family is a who we have a lot of fun together. So yes if I'm not in my my

[00:32:57] comfortable space with my babies and living life and laughing and having fun that's being silly

[00:33:03] that's just that's my happy place. Yeah yeah do you think in the the I just can call it maintaining

[00:33:09] the flame? I just call it how do you connect with your inner child? Do you think that's important?

[00:33:14] Oh most definitely. I think it's what keeps us going so many times and that's a

[00:33:18] some of the reason behind maintain the flame. We forget it is okay to be human. It is okay to make a

[00:33:26] mistake. It is okay to go through trials and tribulations and not always have to pretend that

[00:33:33] everything is positive or everything is great and that's called life. And I think if we would start

[00:33:39] and we would enjoy life more if we could be authentic and we would say reconnect it to that inner flame.

[00:33:46] And so many of us we don't do that because we don't want to look bad to other people.

[00:33:52] Go live your life be passionate pursue it if you fail learn from it. Get up let's do it again.

[00:33:59] Let's try a different approach but be genuine and happy about the life that you live

[00:34:05] because we don't want to just check the box and yeah I did that I've been there done that

[00:34:09] but did you enjoy it? Are we living in the moment? Yeah that's a difficult question for a lot of

[00:34:15] people. We're living in the moment. We're just passing time. Agreed. Agreed Dr. V. That is so

[00:34:21] profound and I think I love everything you said. If I could add to it I also think sometimes we

[00:34:28] take ourselves to serious lives and it's okay to laugh at yourself it's like oh I didn't do that right

[00:34:35] let's try that again. And so I think that also takes that pressure that stress makes

[00:34:40] tidy off a little bit. If we aren't so hyper focused as you said earlier on being perfect

[00:34:45] on doing everything just right so I yes I agree with everything you said Dr. V. Thank you.

[00:34:52] Tell me what is something your proud of? I would say it goes back to my babies.

[00:34:59] I'm so proud of my babies and I would even of course my babies but all my babies that are out there

[00:35:06] over the years that I have had an opportunity to work with but for me personally it's just my

[00:35:11] Christian Kyle and Caitlin. They are some amazing children. I'm just so proud of them. It brings

[00:35:19] me a sense of pride and most importantly for me to be able to talk to them and say are you happy

[00:35:25] and when they're not they tell me no and we talk about it and we work through it but those three

[00:35:31] individuals they just bring me great joy and happiness. Matt, are you happy to have a doctor be? Yes

[00:35:38] I would say you are skipping this huge role that you played and making the wonderful humans.

[00:35:47] Have you forgiven yourself for past mistakes? Yes I have. In that took time.

[00:35:54] Okay to be honest a lot of I am very very hard on myself and more just as hard on myself

[00:36:02] because I always look at things and I say Nicole you could have did that better. You could have done more

[00:36:08] and I've had to understand that you did the best that you would have. Yes I have.

[00:36:14] As I replay things or the devil will try to come and convince me otherwise no Nicole you did the best

[00:36:21] you could what you had. Let's focus on the good in that situation and what you learned from that

[00:36:26] situation and so that's how I get through those times and those moments and I'm able to forgive

[00:36:33] myself because had I had more information or had I done more than I would have made a different decision

[00:36:39] but that's that you could with the information that you had at that time. So I forgive you.

[00:36:46] Forgive myself. Thank you. I love that. That's beautiful. Do you have advice for individuals who

[00:36:55] are still working to learn to forgive themselves? No that it takes time. Okay nothing happens

[00:37:02] overnight and I will be 50 years old this year. Wasn't I would say until my maybe like 30s

[00:37:10] early 40s that I started to see the good things in Nicole and even today I struggle at times

[00:37:17] we all have moments where we may read labs or we may think negative things but you have to be able

[00:37:23] to pull yourself in. So start with something small even if it's you knowing I'm on a diet and

[00:37:29] I shouldn't be in this cheeseburger. Okay so just tell yourself next week I'll make sure at least

[00:37:35] one day a week I'm going to treat myself. I can have a cheeseburger but the rest of the days

[00:37:39] I'm going to eat something healthy and then at the end of the week you forgive yourself your

[00:37:44] proud of yourself at least I'm trying. You don't have to be in a place where everything's perfect.

[00:37:50] You're just making steps towards that direction. Okay you're putting in the effort. Yeah yeah

[00:37:56] I like that and and give yourself credit for trying like you said I think that's awesome. Yes thank you

[00:38:09] I think the healthiest thing that I've done is sought out therapy and counseling. You know

[00:38:15] growing up of course you know that's not popular and then there's all these ideas that are out

[00:38:20] there's certain people shouldn't do counseling it's just another person just like you with their own

[00:38:25] problems and it's a waste of time but I think that helped me because it allowed me to reflect on

[00:38:31] the situation it allowed me to get some help from other people that's been in the clinical field

[00:38:38] and they have more information so that I can learn to make better decisions and I think I'm better

[00:38:42] off for you are speaking my language. Hi I have been through my childhood was rough right?

[00:38:51] And I always say I would be a completely different person because people describe me very similarly

[00:38:57] as they describe you bubbly but they will also say yeah and she will politely let's not right

[00:39:07] but I had to get there right I would be a different person I would be less joyful, less

[00:39:13] giving, less loving had I not gone through so many years as therapy to help me process the trauma that

[00:39:22] I experience which helps me and you and you had this kind of impassiness and it's so huge because

[00:39:28] I just recently learned as Dr. B. You are amazing by the way I was recently learned that you hit

[00:39:34] very much in passing and I was like oh I'll circle back to that but through therapy I just recently learned not only

[00:39:40] is it about me working through my trauma but also forgiving my parents knowing that they did the best that they

[00:39:48] could at the time and it's like okay it wasn't what I needed it wasn't what I deserved

[00:39:55] but they've worked on the best that could that was a huge weight as well often when you mentioned

[00:40:00] that early in so I would be a different person without therapy I am always saying therapy,

[00:40:06] therapy and like oh I sneeze today go to therapy. I love it.

[00:40:13] And so thank you for basically you just validated me and I'm like yay back to be said it so

[00:40:19] I'm sorry Dr. B. I have thoroughly enjoyed talking to you like I just I could talk to you

[00:40:29] and ask you questions all day like tell me that's not fair and it's not considered of your time

[00:40:36] so before we in the episode do you have any close-enre marks? Just always when I have an opportunity

[00:40:42] just want to keep others encouraged we're all living in very difficult times we're all going through

[00:40:49] so take time to make yourself a priority. Love on yourself, forgive yourself, grow through your painful

[00:40:56] situations and take time to check on others because we never know what people are going through

[00:41:01] but most importantly, re-act that flame and live the life that you desire.

[00:41:09] Thank you thank you so much for spending time for sharing your knowledge or wisdom

[00:41:14] and for being open honest and vulnerable I really appreciate it. Thank you so much Dr. B.

[00:41:19] Oh I appreciate you thank you for the eye. I hope this episode gave you some tools to connect with

[00:41:24] and increase your resiliency. I'm proud of you. Let's keep up the momento, follow Resilian life

[00:41:31] on your favorite podcast platform and on YouTube at Resilian Life Podcast until next time

[00:41:38] be kind to yourself and others.