The 4% Formula For Ultimate Living: You Deserve It!

[00:00:03] You are listening to Resilient Life, the podcast where we explore the power of resiliency.

[00:00:10] I'm Nikita Ross. It is my hope that listening to this podcast will give you the tools to connect with and increase your resiliency.

[00:00:20] So join me on this adventure of self-discovery and self-love.

[00:00:28] Thank you for joining us today on the episode of Resilient Life.

[00:00:32] I am joined by Dominice, an extraordinary woman who is helping other women live their best lives.

[00:00:39] But I don't want to tell her story. I would love for you to introduce yourself.

[00:00:43] Tell us all the things, the great work you're doing, and then we'll jump right into our discussion.

[00:00:50] Nikita, thank you for having me, first of all.

[00:00:54] I always have a hard time with answering the who am I question.

[00:00:58] I've gotten better, but I think for a long time, just because I do so many things that it was hard to describe myself.

[00:01:04] You know, we always feel like we have to or I won't speak for everyone, but I felt like I had to box myself in for a long time.

[00:01:09] But I'm learning from that. So I am Dominice Clifton.

[00:01:14] I'm a mama, first of all. I have two beautiful girls, Yara and Zuri.

[00:01:18] I am an entrepreneur. I'm a business coach and I am really passionate.

[00:01:23] I would say my mission is to empower others to build sustainable businesses or professional careers, really focusing on businesses while prioritizing themselves while maintaining their personal well-being.

[00:01:37] We often have been conditioned to believe that it's either or.

[00:01:42] Right. Like you have to run yourself in the ground to be successful, that sort of thing.

[00:01:46] And I'm just completely flipping that notion on its head.

[00:01:49] And so I'm really passionate about education, wellness, education, stress management, things of that nature and empowering other women to live lives that feel fulfilling to them.

[00:01:59] That looks different for each of us. But helping women to figure out what that is, because oftentimes we don't know we have to do the work to figure it out.

[00:02:07] And then once you discover it, putting an action plan into place to launch a business that brings you fulfillment, like really taps into who you are as a being, but then also makes a great impact in the world.

[00:02:18] And so for the sake of our conversation today, that is who I'm entering into this space as.

[00:02:24] Oh, my goodness. I love that response. I think that what's in my from my perspective was so innovative about your work is that we are taught as women and as women of color, black women more specifically, that you have to be better than you have to work hard.

[00:02:44] You have to grind. You have to get this degree. You have to get these letters behind your name.

[00:02:46] You have to do these things to even compete. But what I've never heard up until recently is and you have to take care of yourself.

[00:02:57] And so I love that approach of saying, yeah, do those things and take care of yourself and nurture yourself.

[00:03:07] How did you get to this point? How did you get that insight?

[00:03:12] Gosh. So my entry into the wellness industry came after my own healing journey.

[00:03:18] I never really saw myself being in this space. My background, like a college degree and where I started out was in fashion merchandising.

[00:03:27] And so I'm very far off of what me and my mama paid for.

[00:03:30] But I was doing that work and it wasn't fulfilling to me.

[00:03:33] And that's why I'm so passionate about finding things that are fulfilling, because the first decade or so of my career, my professional nine to five career was working jobs where I was, you know,

[00:03:44] I would say pouring into other people's dreams and visions and it didn't feel fulfilling.

[00:03:48] I was always giving limitations about what I could do and who I could be.

[00:03:52] And so that's a part of, again, why I do the work that I do.

[00:03:55] But I was existing for so long and I didn't realize that I was existing with so much of my own unresolved trauma.

[00:04:03] Now, physically, you could see it because I was overweight up until about four years ago.

[00:04:07] And that unhealthy relationship with food started at a very young age.

[00:04:11] So I was born to a teen mom and I've never met my biological dad.

[00:04:15] And as a kid, I couldn't really process those emotions.

[00:04:18] I didn't have anyone really supporting and talking me through that.

[00:04:21] And so I learned to use food as a way to cope and suppress.

[00:04:24] And I just kind of buried and pushed everything down.

[00:04:27] And for two and a half decades, that was the way that I existed.

[00:04:30] And I had this, you know, up and down relationship with my weight.

[00:04:33] I went on my first diet in middle school.

[00:04:35] But in the midst of internal pain, I got really good at masking it and excelling and achieving.

[00:04:40] And I became, you know, an overachiever, very overly ambitious.

[00:04:45] If you look at, you know, middle school, high school, like I just excelled in everything.

[00:04:48] My mom's a teacher. And so education was always instilled in me.

[00:04:52] And so externally, everyone thought I was doing well.

[00:04:55] You know, by society standards, people thought I was doing well, but I wasn't.

[00:05:00] I was really struggling and masking up.

[00:05:02] And that was how I existed.

[00:05:03] And in 2020, well, 2017 is when the start of my journey really began.

[00:05:09] But there was between 2017 and 2020, I was still struggling and having a hard time

[00:05:13] and very inconsistent with my wellness journey.

[00:05:15] And then in 2020, right around the time that COVID hit, my life was falling apart.

[00:05:20] I was at that time having marital issues.

[00:05:22] I had a newborn and a toddler.

[00:05:24] I was unemployed because I had quit my job a few months before COVID thinking,

[00:05:29] oh, I'll just take an extended maternity leave.

[00:05:31] And here comes COVID rocking everyone's lives.

[00:05:33] And so all of these things were happening inside my home.

[00:05:36] And then COVID was happening outside of my home.

[00:05:38] And so I didn't know what to do.

[00:05:39] It was just like, oh, God, I don't have the answers for this.

[00:05:41] And so I started just being still, you know, prayer and meditation, hoping that God would

[00:05:46] hear me and send me a lifeline.

[00:05:48] And one day when I was meditating, I got a download that said every day for the next 90

[00:05:53] days, focus on your mind, your body and your spirit.

[00:05:57] And I came out of that meditation.

[00:05:58] I wrote it down.

[00:05:59] I remember being really excited about it.

[00:06:01] For some reason, it felt different.

[00:06:02] And I jumped right in.

[00:06:03] It was either that same day or maybe the next day.

[00:06:06] And I started prioritizing all of those parts of myself, which was different from who I

[00:06:10] used to be.

[00:06:11] Because when I was focused on the weight loss, it was just about the gym, you know, the physical

[00:06:15] aspects.

[00:06:17] Something transformative happened in those 90 days where it was just like, I came alive.

[00:06:21] I didn't even realize I was existing in a fog and I was, you know, just moving through

[00:06:25] life on autopilot.

[00:06:26] And so at the end of that 90 day process, I maybe lost about 15 pounds, but I felt like

[00:06:31] my spirit, like a light had been lit in me that again, had been just, you know, dormant

[00:06:36] for so long.

[00:06:37] And I wanted everyone to feel how I was feeling.

[00:06:39] I wanted to find the highest mountaintop and shout, everybody needs to be doing this.

[00:06:44] And that was really my introduction into coaching, right?

[00:06:47] I took the energy that I have found for myself and I wanted to spread and share that with

[00:06:51] other women.

[00:06:51] And that continues to be the motivating factor for me is letting people know, yes, we can

[00:06:56] be successful and have all the things and we can make time to prioritize all the parts

[00:07:00] of ourselves.

[00:07:01] Oh my goodness.

[00:07:01] That was such a powerful answer.

[00:07:03] And within that answer, we've embedded all these topics that you and I, I could branch

[00:07:08] off into and I thought we would be here all day.

[00:07:10] So I'll try to get on a couple that I actually did an episode on operating on autopilot.

[00:07:17] And I think there are times where we don't even recognize that we are, to use your words,

[00:07:22] just existing.

[00:07:23] We're not fully living in the moment and enjoying life.

[00:07:26] And that's hard.

[00:07:27] How would you suggest a person, one, recognize?

[00:07:31] Because on the episode my daughter shared, I have a 29-year-old.

[00:07:36] Don't tell her how old she is.

[00:07:38] And she was like, Ma, you kept saying I'm on autopilot, but I didn't understand it until

[00:07:43] I saw another person.

[00:07:44] And so how would you suggest a person, one, recognize that they are, if they are on autopilot

[00:07:49] and then how to get off?

[00:07:52] So autopilot for me was misalignment, right?

[00:07:57] So when I think about the life that I'm living now, I'm very clear about my purpose and passion,

[00:08:01] which fuels me, it gives me energy.

[00:08:03] I have a different relationship with God and spirit also.

[00:08:05] And so I think there's that component.

[00:08:08] But for me, it was misalignment.

[00:08:10] And that level of misalignment, the amount of energy that I had to exert every day to show

[00:08:14] up for jobs and relationships that, you know, weren't, we're not giving, we're taking energy

[00:08:19] from me.

[00:08:20] It drained me.

[00:08:21] And so I'm a journaler.

[00:08:22] I'm an avid journaler.

[00:08:23] I have journals from the last seven years.

[00:08:25] And when I go back and read journals from, let's just say 2017 to 2020, almost every other

[00:08:30] day I was writing how tired I was.

[00:08:31] Like I was physically tired, right?

[00:08:34] Like we are energetic beings.

[00:08:36] And so going to a job and showing up every day and having to do the thing that I really

[00:08:40] didn't want to do, you know, being in relationships, whether it was friendships or, you know, at

[00:08:44] the time I was married, continuing to have to exert so much force, right?

[00:08:49] That took a lot out of me.

[00:08:50] And so the first thing I say is that for me, I was always physically tired, just like fatigued

[00:08:54] all the time.

[00:08:56] It also was this unhappiness and unfulfillment again, of kind of just, I'm just checking

[00:09:01] the boxes, you know, I'm just going to work every day, not wanting to get out of bed,

[00:09:04] but I'm doing it because I got to pay my bills.

[00:09:06] And, you know, the story that we get caught in.

[00:09:08] And there also was this void of, there was this knowingness that I was designed to do

[00:09:16] and be more.

[00:09:17] And I didn't know what the more was, but it was like, my soul was saying, this isn't

[00:09:21] it.

[00:09:21] This isn't it.

[00:09:22] This is not all we said yes to when we came here for this human experience.

[00:09:25] This isn't it.

[00:09:26] And even though I didn't know, again, at the time I had to do the work to figure out

[00:09:30] what it was, but there was just this tugging on my heart that was like, girl, it's more

[00:09:33] to life than this.

[00:09:34] And so those are some of the ways that it showed up for me.

[00:09:38] Another thing I would say too, is that, and this I think is big in the age of social media.

[00:09:43] People say they feel like imposters, right?

[00:09:46] Imposter syndrome.

[00:09:47] I think imposter syndrome is true, not because we aren't qualified, but because we are in

[00:09:51] spaces that we don't belong in.

[00:09:53] So you can be the most qualified for your nine to five job and not be walking in purpose

[00:09:57] and not be in alignment and feel like an imposter because your soul doesn't want to be there,

[00:10:02] right?

[00:10:02] Like you are making yourself fit and conform in a space that you are meant to be in.

[00:10:06] And so it's not necessarily that you don't have the skills and the things.

[00:10:10] It's that you are trying to fit into and conform into something that wasn't ever meant for you.

[00:10:15] So those are just some of the ways that misalignment, that autopilot showed up for me.

[00:10:21] That answer, yes.

[00:10:23] And if I could add to it, another part for me that I noticed with autopilot, this is for

[00:10:28] myself and then people I've either worked with or observed is this thing of, I don't

[00:10:33] want to be still, be quiet to deal with my trauma, my hurt, my anger, whatever that is.

[00:10:42] And so I'm going to just do these things for lack of a better word, mindlessly and not

[00:10:49] unintelligently, but just like kind of on that autopilot.

[00:10:52] So I love your definition.

[00:10:53] And if I could add that a little bit.

[00:10:55] Yeah, no, that's a big one.

[00:10:57] That was me, afraid to be still because it takes courage to sit with emotions and, you

[00:11:05] know, the memories and the things that come up, right?

[00:11:08] Even now, after having done so much work, there are still times where I'm like, nope,

[00:11:11] not today.

[00:11:12] I want to deal with that.

[00:11:13] But it takes courage to sit with those things.

[00:11:15] But I have found that it is in the going through that we are able to heal and release.

[00:11:21] One of my favorite authors when it comes to trauma is Res Momenicum.

[00:11:26] And he talks about clean pain versus dirty pain.

[00:11:29] And he talks about how as adults, we often want to choose no pain.

[00:11:33] He's like, but that's not really the option.

[00:11:34] It's clean pain, which is the hard part.

[00:11:37] It's the going through.

[00:11:38] It's the sitting with.

[00:11:39] It's the being still.

[00:11:40] It's the facing of the things, right?

[00:11:42] It's still painful, but you come out on the other side, a more whole version of yourself.

[00:11:46] He said that often what we want to choose is no pain.

[00:11:49] And then a lot of people choose dirty pain, which is trying to avoid it completely.

[00:11:53] And you are showing up as this unhealed, wounded version of yourself.

[00:11:57] And that is, you know, what you're carrying.

[00:11:59] It's impacting your relationships.

[00:12:00] It's messy.

[00:12:01] It's dirty.

[00:12:01] And so you have to choose that clean pain, knowing that on the other side of that pain,

[00:12:06] there's beauty, there's wholeness, there's fulfillment.

[00:12:08] But you got to go through it.

[00:12:10] Yes, I'm here for all of that.

[00:12:12] I follow a man called Eckhart Tolle.

[00:12:15] I listen to this other man named Ram Dass.

[00:12:17] And then I listen to this Zen Buddhist from Plum Village.

[00:12:22] And what they talk about, very similar, slight differences, like knowing that to be human is we're going to experience pain.

[00:12:31] Like you just cannot exist.

[00:12:33] You cannot be exempt from it.

[00:12:34] You can't escape it.

[00:12:36] It's going to happen.

[00:12:37] And it's how we internalize, process, or what is our perspective of that pain.

[00:12:43] Because ultimately things are.

[00:12:46] And then our mind helps us say, oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen.

[00:12:51] Right?

[00:12:51] And so I love all of that that you said.

[00:12:54] So thank you for that.

[00:12:55] Yeah.

[00:12:55] There's something else that you touched on that I want to circle back to, if that's okay.

[00:12:59] You mentioned dieting at such a young age.

[00:13:03] Yeah.

[00:13:03] I cannot.

[00:13:04] I cannot imagine that.

[00:13:06] And what you touched on, though, it was kind of in passing.

[00:13:10] And I want to dig deeper into that, if that's okay.

[00:13:12] I think sometimes, as a culture, we get caught up in I have to be a certain size versus I want to feel good in my body, which doesn't necessarily equate to what I see on television or what I see on Instagram.

[00:13:30] I could be a size whatever.

[00:13:34] And as long as I feel comfortable in my body and I'm healthy and I'm taking care of myself, that's okay.

[00:13:41] I don't have to be whatever size.

[00:13:45] This is how my body is made, which is going to look different than your body, which is going to look different than your body.

[00:13:51] And I think that's one, right?

[00:13:53] Yes.

[00:13:53] That's being in love with ourselves and not trying to fit a mold.

[00:13:58] And then, too, I think there's this emotional intelligence or self-awareness that goes with eating.

[00:14:05] And sometimes we mindlessly eat.

[00:14:08] And so it's like it's not necessarily about I need to diet to lose weight.

[00:14:13] I need to be mindful.

[00:14:15] Am I actually hungry right now or am I feeling lonely?

[00:14:19] Am I feeling some kind of void?

[00:14:21] Is it horny?

[00:14:21] Is it lonely?

[00:14:22] Is there an emptiness that can be filled another way?

[00:14:26] But I need to sit down and check in with me to see what is that void?

[00:14:33] Because it's not always needing to be.

[00:14:35] It doesn't always need to be filled with food.

[00:14:37] And so those are the things I want to set the back on.

[00:14:40] Yes.

[00:14:40] Can I comment on that last one?

[00:14:42] Yes, please.

[00:14:43] Please.

[00:14:43] This is a discussion.

[00:14:45] I'm like, ooh, I want to get in.

[00:14:47] Yes.

[00:14:49] Two things.

[00:14:51] So healing is actually I wrote a book and I talk about my healing journey being three phases.

[00:15:01] Releasing, reconnecting and remembering.

[00:15:03] In the releasing phase, it was a lot of allowing myself to feel the things that I had tried to suppress.

[00:15:10] So there was a lot of shame and guilt that I had been holding from childhood that came up and, you know, just outdated stories that I was still carrying around.

[00:15:18] And so somatic practices, body centered practices were really helpful in that releasing process.

[00:15:24] And then once you kind of like empty out, right, you got to let it come up to release it.

[00:15:28] I went through a process of reconnecting.

[00:15:30] And when I talk about reconnecting, one of the main ways that I've had to reconnect with myself is reconnecting with my body.

[00:15:35] Because at a young age, because of my trauma, I learned to disconnect and like numb.

[00:15:40] But I numbed emotionally, but I was also numbing physically where I didn't really feel I wasn't in tune with my hunger cues.

[00:15:48] And so I had to get back in touch with what it felt like to be hungry and what it felt like to be full because I had learned to ignore that.

[00:15:54] And so I think that's true for a lot of people is that we disconnect from ourselves for a lot of different reasons.

[00:16:01] Right. And that does manifest as whether it's overeating or coping in some other way.

[00:16:07] I wasn't able to begin to fill that void until I could feel that void, if that makes sense.

[00:16:14] And so it for me was like you said, like, OK, so what am I feeling right now?

[00:16:21] Because when when you try to numb, right, you we off there's no selective numbing.

[00:16:26] So when you try to numb, you numb everything.

[00:16:28] And so when emotions started coming up for me as an adult, it was like, OK, well, what is this feeling?

[00:16:33] Right. Is this hunger? Is this boredom? Is this sadness? Is this grief?

[00:16:37] I had to start processing emotions as an adult that I didn't really allow myself to feel for a long time.

[00:16:43] And so I think that is true that you do have to reconnect with yourself in order to figure out what's going on here.

[00:16:50] But a lot of us are so tuned out. Right. We just completely shut everything down.

[00:16:55] We don't want to feel it, that that is a hard process.

[00:16:58] And so I think a part of the healing process is the reconnection with our bodies, which allows us to begin to heal the relationship with food.

[00:17:05] And prior to that, every time that I tried to diet, I wasn't connected with my body.

[00:17:11] And so I would, you know, just kind of go through the motions.

[00:17:16] And the last thing I'll say about this is one of the things that really shifted for me when I in 2020 made this big transition is that I used to always focus on outcomes.

[00:17:26] And so I was always someone that was like, oh, I want to lose weight because I'm going to lose 15 pounds.

[00:17:30] You know, I had I had a very outcome driven goal.

[00:17:34] What shifted for me was an identity shift.

[00:17:37] Instead of saying I want to lose 15 pounds, I started saying, what is a healthier version of myself?

[00:17:41] I want to be healthy. And what does the healthy version of myself?

[00:17:44] How does the healthy version of myself exist?

[00:17:46] And so instead of just focusing on weight loss, I started focusing on identity.

[00:17:51] Identity. And so, again, asking myself, you know, and this could be for anything.

[00:17:54] This could be for weight loss. This could be for finances.

[00:17:57] This could be for better relationships. Like, who do I need to become to be this version of myself?

[00:18:02] And then taking action on that every day as opposed to focusing on a specific outcome.

[00:18:07] And that was really the shift for me from middle school up until, like I said, four years ago, because all throughout my life, it was I want to lose weight.

[00:18:15] I want to lose weight. I want, you know, I want to feel better about my body.

[00:18:17] I only focus on the body. When I started focusing on identity, then it became, yes, I want to be healthy, but I want to be whole.

[00:18:25] Right. I want to I want to feel good. I want to be confident. And so that was a really big mindset shift for me as well.

[00:18:31] Oh, my goodness. Yeah. All of those things. I'm getting chills right now.

[00:18:35] May I ask for your permission to steal from you in order to feel that void?

[00:18:42] You have to feel that void.

[00:18:44] Yes.

[00:18:44] Oh, my goodness. That was bars.

[00:18:49] Thank you.

[00:18:51] I'm asking your permission. So have you ever watched a podcast in the future?

[00:18:54] You hear me saying that. Don't you feel that void?

[00:18:56] I love it. I love it.

[00:18:58] Yes. And everybody on that's listening heard it.

[00:19:02] No, I love it. I open myself up to be a vessel when I am on podcasts.

[00:19:06] And so that was just spirit flowing through.

[00:19:08] I ain't never said that before, but you are welcome to take it and use it how you feel led to use it to help other people.

[00:19:14] Thank you. I love that. That that summarized what I was trying to say about that food.

[00:19:19] It was just it was perfect. So thank you for that. I love that. I love that.

[00:19:24] Tell me, how do you define resilience?

[00:19:28] Hmm. So I will be honest with you. I listened to a couple of episodes and I was like, oh, she gonna ask me that question.

[00:19:34] I like to come in with a little bit of like flow because I'm such a planner.

[00:19:40] But I did. I was ready for that question.

[00:19:42] And the reason why is because like to me, resilience is it has been something that I've built over time.

[00:19:52] I wasn't I think we just you know, we say, oh, children are very resilient.

[00:19:56] So we just assume like people are resilient. But I especially in my my entrepreneurial career and like my professional career,

[00:20:02] career, I've had to learn how to be resilient. So to me, resilience is strength and perseverance.

[00:20:08] But again, I feel like it's a strength that can be built over time. Right.

[00:20:13] Like when I started out as an entrepreneur, I wasn't resilient.

[00:20:16] Things would go wrong and things would get hard and I would be ready to quit.

[00:20:20] And I did. Sometimes I did. I ain't gonna lie.

[00:20:23] And over time, I've had to learn to to be resilient.

[00:20:26] And a lot of that has been in getting to know myself and also reconnecting and building a relationship with spirit.

[00:20:33] It has shown me my strength and really allow for me to see my strengths, my gifts and, you know, what I what I what I bring to the world that I'm serving in.

[00:20:41] And so I think it's strength. I think it's perseverance.

[00:20:43] But I think the most important thing is that regardless of whatever you are doing. Right.

[00:20:47] I think that you can build resist resilience in that thing.

[00:20:51] And, you know, when I think about consistency, for example, I never used to be consistent.

[00:20:56] Right. Like to me, like I've learned to be consistent. I'm learning to be resilient.

[00:21:00] And so to me, it's a skill that you can build over time.

[00:21:04] If you don't feel like you have it right now, you may not feel like you're a strong person or resilient person.

[00:21:08] And that's OK, because if you're if you are passionate about something and committed to something, I think that resilience can be built over time.

[00:21:18] And you are absolutely 100 percent correct about that.

[00:21:21] Each person can increase their resilience.

[00:21:24] I'm I'm of the belief.

[00:21:27] And I would say research kind of differs on it a little bit.

[00:21:29] But I am of the belief that everyone has a level of resiliency because we're still here.

[00:21:34] Yeah, I was going to say we got to to survive, right?

[00:21:36] Right.

[00:21:37] And but research does agree that each person can increase or enhance those tools to make you more resilient.

[00:21:44] So you are 100 percent right on that.

[00:21:46] I agree with you. I love that.

[00:21:47] Thank you. Yeah.

[00:21:48] Search on that.

[00:21:49] Yes.

[00:21:52] What made you smile today?

[00:22:00] This conversation is making me smile.

[00:22:02] But prior to that, your your smile is beautiful.

[00:22:05] And so your energy is very like it is like infectious.

[00:22:09] Prior to this conversation, I got up.

[00:22:13] I told you I took I didn't take a nap, but I lay down.

[00:22:16] I allow myself to rest for about 30 minutes after having a very full day.

[00:22:20] And I am if you're familiar or anyone listening is familiar with human design.

[00:22:23] I've learned this about myself.

[00:22:25] I'm a projector and we don't have access to a whole bunch of energy.

[00:22:28] And so recognizing that having the self-awareness, I have to be very intentional about how I schedule my days and how I move because I burn out very easily or I tire very easily.

[00:22:38] So I got up and I was like, all right, girl, this is the last one.

[00:22:41] And I smiled at myself in the mirror and I was like, we got this.

[00:22:44] We got this.

[00:22:44] And so, you know, I had to call in some help, had to call in some energy, some energetic help for this conversation.

[00:22:49] But, you know, sometimes we feel like we don't have what it takes to to carry out our assignment.

[00:22:57] Right.

[00:22:57] Whatever whatever this assignment and mission is.

[00:23:00] And it can be something as as I don't want to say small, but something as simple as a podcast conversation.

[00:23:06] Like to me that it's it's it's an energetic exchange as we're having this conversation.

[00:23:11] So required of me.

[00:23:12] And I was a little bit tired, but I smiled at myself and I was like, we got this.

[00:23:16] Like you got this.

[00:23:17] You know, God got you.

[00:23:18] We go have a good conversation.

[00:23:19] And I'm really enjoying the conversation.

[00:23:21] So prior to being here, I smiled at myself in the mirror as I was hyping myself up for this conversation today.

[00:23:28] Oh, my goodness.

[00:23:29] So that thank you for those kind words.

[00:23:31] But that segues perfectly.

[00:23:34] That's a couple of questions down, but I'm going to jump right in.

[00:23:37] OK.

[00:23:37] When you look in the mirror and you are either needing to get pumped up like it's loaded or you already feeling yourself.

[00:23:46] What's your theme song?

[00:23:48] What's that song?

[00:23:48] Oh, hey.

[00:23:51] What's that song?

[00:23:52] Oh, gosh.

[00:23:54] OK, so it varies based on the season that I'm in in my life.

[00:23:59] But right now there's a song by Pastor Mike.

[00:24:02] It's a gospel song.

[00:24:04] I do all the genres.

[00:24:05] It's called Big.

[00:24:07] And he talks about how everything is going to be big.

[00:24:10] You know, it's going to be bigger than we've imagined.

[00:24:13] Y'all got to listen to it.

[00:24:15] It's a gospel bop.

[00:24:16] But I put that song on and it talks about, you know, the business is going to be big.

[00:24:21] The career is going to be big.

[00:24:23] The finances are going to be big.

[00:24:25] Like it just gets it just gets me hype because sometimes.

[00:24:28] Right.

[00:24:28] We don't always see.

[00:24:30] We're not always right now living what what the vision is.

[00:24:33] Right.

[00:24:34] We are not always right now in the season of the thing that God has promised us.

[00:24:38] And so in those moments, I need a reminder like you're tired today, but it's going to be big.

[00:24:43] It's going to be worth it.

[00:24:44] And so I would say tune into it's called Big Live.

[00:24:47] It's performed live by Pastor Mike.

[00:24:49] You have no speaking to me right now.

[00:24:54] You have no idea because I'm working on a project that is bigger than like I've ever worked on before.

[00:25:00] Yes.

[00:25:00] Oh, you got to turn that song on.

[00:25:06] Yeah.

[00:25:07] I use the word the universe.

[00:25:11] But to me, the universe and God are the same.

[00:25:13] Yeah.

[00:25:14] Thank you for allowing the source, the universe to like just flow through you and share because I'm sure that when someone hears this, they also need it to hear it.

[00:25:26] So thank you.

[00:25:27] I appreciate it.

[00:25:27] Yeah.

[00:25:28] Thank you.

[00:25:29] Thank you.

[00:25:30] How do you celebrate yourself?

[00:25:34] My my daily soul care practice and I differentiate soul care versus self care is the way that I celebrate myself.

[00:25:43] Daily.

[00:25:44] I can break that down a little bit if you want to go deeper.

[00:25:46] I do.

[00:25:47] So when I first started out as a nutrition and wellness coach, I was working with women, mostly moms, and I would ask them, what do you do for self care?

[00:25:55] And they would say things like, oh, I take a bubble bath or I go to brunch with my girls, get my nails done, get my hair done.

[00:26:01] Very topical things.

[00:26:02] And it was like I was seeing the same as especially black women.

[00:26:05] Like one thing we're going to do is get our hair done.

[00:26:07] Right.

[00:26:07] And so they would say those sorts of things.

[00:26:09] And it was like this pattern of like we look really good.

[00:26:13] How are you feeling?

[00:26:14] You know, again, how are you feeling?

[00:26:16] So self care to me is very it's oftentimes not always, but it's oftentimes very topical.

[00:26:22] Right.

[00:26:23] It's it's those external things that make us look good.

[00:26:25] But again, you can look amazing and feel spiritually void or your mental health isn't where it needs to be.

[00:26:31] And so soul care is all encompassing.

[00:26:34] It's recognizing that we are spiritual beings having a human existence and we are more than just these physical vessels.

[00:26:41] We are our mind.

[00:26:42] There's a mental component.

[00:26:44] There's a physical component and there's a spiritual component.

[00:26:46] So mind, body, spirit.

[00:26:47] And so I celebrate myself every day by making sure that I prioritize important to nourish all those parts of myself.

[00:26:55] I talked at the start of the episode about that meditation that, you know, prioritize yourself every day for 90 days.

[00:27:02] That still is my daily practice.

[00:27:05] Almost five years later, every day I make time to move my body every day.

[00:27:10] I make time to reconnect with myself, my soul and, you know, tune into the universe, to God.

[00:27:15] And every day I do something to fill my mind.

[00:27:18] And so that is instructional, inspirational content.

[00:27:21] So listening to podcasts like this or reading, watching something on YouTube.

[00:27:25] I'm intentional about that every day.

[00:27:27] And I have come up with a formula after doing it for almost five years now.

[00:27:33] I spend at least 15 minutes on mindset, at least 15 minutes on the spiritual practice, and then 30 minutes of movement.

[00:27:40] Now that's not all chugged together one hour back to back.

[00:27:43] I typically start out with 15 minutes of a spiritual practice in the morning because I like to ground myself into my day that way.

[00:27:49] It's almost like a reset button for me.

[00:27:50] I do like to get my movement in in the morning because I find that I have more energy then.

[00:27:55] But the mindset piece is move throughout the day.

[00:27:58] And then depending on the day, sometimes moving doesn't happen in the morning.

[00:28:02] It might be a 30-minute walk midday and I'm listening to a podcast or something.

[00:28:05] But I celebrate myself.

[00:28:07] I celebrate my worth.

[00:28:09] I celebrate my value to the world by making sure that every day I'm pouring into myself first before I give to other people.

[00:28:15] And so even when I talked about being tired, a little bit tired before this podcast, I still have the energy to show up and to give because I'm not depleted.

[00:28:26] I am intentional about making sure that I started today filling my cup.

[00:28:31] And so, yeah, I'm a little bit tired, but this is overflow.

[00:28:34] Really, this is overflow that I'm able to pour out and give in this way.

[00:28:37] And so that's how I celebrate myself, like seeing my value and not buying into, especially as a woman, especially as a black woman, that we are supposed to get the last drops of the bucket because that's what it is.

[00:28:50] It's like, well, if there's anything left after you give to your kids and your partner and your career and your dog and whatever else you give to, right, girlfriends, then girl, you get them last couple drops of the bucket.

[00:29:02] And I'm like, no, I get the whole bucket and I sprinkle the rest for everybody else.

[00:29:07] And so that is the way that I celebrate myself every single day.

[00:29:10] Yes, to all of that.

[00:29:13] So I agree with everything you're saying.

[00:29:15] And how would you respond to a person who says, I don't have the time, one or the other response I hear, because I say these same things you're saying, is what would you say to a person who doesn't know how to or feels like it's selfish to do that?

[00:29:35] It's a mindset shift for sure.

[00:29:38] It's because selfishness is learned, right?

[00:29:41] Like that's learned programming where women, we are nurturers.

[00:29:45] We are conditioned at a very young age to give and to nurture and to do for everyone else.

[00:29:49] And so you have to recognize sometimes the outdated stories that you're living in.

[00:29:54] But if you think about it, right, like you came into this world as you, right?

[00:29:58] Like, why are you not the most important person in your life?

[00:30:01] Right.

[00:30:01] It's just it's going to be you when you when you go out.

[00:30:04] And so we have to recognize the outdated stories, especially as black women that we are living in.

[00:30:10] Right.

[00:30:10] The historical trauma of I am not worthy enough to give myself a few minutes of my time.

[00:30:15] So that's the first thing, recognizing the mindset shift that has to happen.

[00:30:19] The second thing I'll say is that that daily practice that I just talked about, that one hour, I've been doing that for about four and a half years.

[00:30:27] And when spirit started leading me to share that out with the world, because I've been holding on to that for myself and just getting all the glory for myself.

[00:30:35] I was thinking about how I could share this out in a way that was easy for other people to comprehend and process where they could say, oh, I want to give this a try, you know, if they're listening.

[00:30:45] And I started doing the math and I was like, you know, OK, I'm spending 15 minutes here, 15 minutes there.

[00:30:49] OK, that's one hour.

[00:30:50] How much is one hour of 24 hours?

[00:30:53] Nikita, one hour is only 4%.

[00:30:55] So, yes, 4%.

[00:30:57] So I call this formula the 4% formula because I am only asking you to give yourself 4% of your 24 hours.

[00:31:06] And so it's like, sis, you are worth 4%, right?

[00:31:09] And even if you're like, I absolutely don't have an hour to start, then start with 30 minutes and give yourself 2%.

[00:31:14] But the biggest thing, right, is recognizing your worthiness and your value in the world, especially as women, especially as women of color that have conditioned us to believe that we aren't worthy and that we must give and do for everyone else.

[00:31:29] And again, like taking that and flipping it.

[00:31:31] And so it's not often that you don't have time.

[00:31:34] It's about looking at your values and where your worth is in the midst of everything that you're doing and figuring out how you can prioritize yourself in the midst of these things.

[00:31:43] Because we'll spend 30 minutes on social media, right?

[00:31:46] But that 30 minutes you can be putting on yourself.

[00:31:49] And so it becomes a shift in identity, values, beliefs, all of the things that are required to put you first.

[00:31:56] I don't even have words.

[00:31:57] Pray for energy and God was like, say less.

[00:32:01] Oh my goodness.

[00:32:08] That, yeah.

[00:32:09] That, you're in.

[00:32:10] You are awesome.

[00:32:11] You are.

[00:32:11] Thank you.

[00:32:13] What brings you joy?

[00:32:18] Oh, this is a big one for me because I think that, one, I had existed as a very numb version of myself where, again, kind of just autopilot.

[00:32:30] I didn't really feel any extreme of anything.

[00:32:33] So joy has been a remembering of like, oh, this feels good, right?

[00:32:38] Like, oh, that feels good.

[00:32:41] But music brings me joy.

[00:32:43] Dancing brings me joy.

[00:32:45] I didn't dance for most of my life because of my weight.

[00:32:49] I was afraid to be seen.

[00:32:50] And so now, because I've built confidence and I feel good about myself and I, you know, I know my worthiness, I dance and I love it.

[00:32:58] And I dance with my babies, my two girls, and we have a good time.

[00:33:02] So music and dance bring me joy.

[00:33:04] Nature also brings me so much joy.

[00:33:07] I am going through towards the end of, but still actively going through a separation and divorce.

[00:33:13] And I rediscovered.

[00:33:15] Thank you.

[00:33:16] I rediscovered a love for nature that I guess had just gotten so buried my whole life.

[00:33:21] And so I love being outside.

[00:33:24] I am an outside girl.

[00:33:25] I am a summer girl.

[00:33:27] I am one of those girls that's like, give me the spring and give me the summer so I can be outside.

[00:33:30] I have to, I still, I'm still outside in the fall and the winter, but it takes a lot more energy.

[00:33:35] But I love a sunny day.

[00:33:37] I love a hike.

[00:33:38] I love nature.

[00:33:39] And so those are probably like my two or three go-tos when it comes to finding joy.

[00:33:43] And anytime I feel like I need joy, those are some of the first tools, resources that I turn to, to like pick myself up.

[00:33:51] I want to share this with you.

[00:33:52] Those are also my three.

[00:33:55] Oh my goodness.

[00:33:56] So we got to get outside and dance and have a good time with some music is what you're telling me.

[00:34:02] The only strong difference is I beg for, I want to say winter and spring because I live in Arizona.

[00:34:11] Okay.

[00:34:12] Summer is dry.

[00:34:14] Yeah.

[00:34:14] Unbearably hot.

[00:34:15] And then fall, it's fall now almost.

[00:34:19] No, it is fall and it's still in triple digits.

[00:34:21] So winter, spring would be the same season.

[00:34:25] Yeah.

[00:34:25] But it's winter and I'm like, yes, I want to get out.

[00:34:28] I live because I live in Arizona with these mountains and not a lot of trees and grass,

[00:34:32] which I really miss now because I grew up in the Midwest where we had trees and grass,

[00:34:36] but I still appreciate the nature.

[00:34:37] We have all these birds I'd never seen before.

[00:34:39] I love music and I love dancing.

[00:34:43] I enjoy those things.

[00:34:45] Yeah.

[00:34:46] So your list is my list and I feel like you're still in my list.

[00:34:49] I love that.

[00:34:50] Thank you.

[00:34:51] So tell me what have you learned about yourself recently?

[00:34:56] Gosh.

[00:35:00] Now we could be here all day on that one.

[00:35:02] I, but I will give you a short answer.

[00:35:05] I'm very passionate about self-discovery.

[00:35:07] And so that's why I make that joke.

[00:35:09] I have, I have been so intentional about getting to know myself.

[00:35:14] I've gotten to know myself deeper in the last three years due to my divorce, right?

[00:35:17] It's amazing what happens when you move people and things out of your life.

[00:35:21] And it's just like, okay, it's just me.

[00:35:22] Who am I?

[00:35:22] You know?

[00:35:23] Um, so I've done a lot of learning myself.

[00:35:28] I've done a lot of understanding who I am.

[00:35:30] And I love my commitment to becoming the best version of myself.

[00:35:36] I'm always learning.

[00:35:37] I'm always growing.

[00:35:38] I'm always soaking up information to share out with others, but to take and apply to my own life.

[00:35:44] I really love astrology and human design and modalities like that, because I feel like they tell us so much about our unique blueprint is what I call it.

[00:35:53] Like each of us has a unique blueprint.

[00:35:55] Our souls, you know, have something that they came here to do.

[00:35:58] And, you know, we can be so similar yet so different just because of, you know, when we were born and where we were born and all of those things.

[00:36:05] And so astrology, human design, and those, you know, those more astrological concepts have been so helpful in me understanding who I am.

[00:36:13] And it's amazing to see how, see the things that I've been attracted to and where my path has led me as I've just been obedient and done the work of learning and understanding myself.

[00:36:25] And then to look at my astrology and how it relates to my career and to be like, I'm doing exactly the things that were in the stars.

[00:36:32] You know what I mean? Like the exact things that, that my soul came here to do.

[00:36:35] And so I love learning about myself and I love the fact that I am open to the journey of self-discovery.

[00:36:43] Thank you.

[00:36:44] That's not easy for everyone because again, those of us who haven't addressed our trauma yet, it's going to be hard for us to sit down and, and try to get connected with ourselves.

[00:36:56] So I love that you've made it that far. It's really inspiring.

[00:36:59] Thank you. Thank you so much.

[00:37:01] You told us what brings you joy. What brings you peace?

[00:37:12] They kind of go hand in hand. I said one earlier, nature, but stillness, like getting out in nature and just being still, or even if I can't get outside, just stillness in the midst.

[00:37:25] I used to be someone who would try to, when life was, you know, feeling like it was upside down, I would try to figure it out.

[00:37:32] What do I need to do? Right. What do I need to do to figure this out, to solve this, whatever problem I'm having.

[00:37:36] And what I am learning as I get older is that instead of what can I do? I'm like, okay, how do I need to be right now?

[00:37:44] And oftentimes it's just, you just need to be still, right?

[00:37:46] Maybe it's resting. Maybe it's a nap. Maybe it's some meditation. Maybe it's some jazz music.

[00:37:52] Like stillness for me brings me so much peace. And oftentimes the answer that I'm trying to work so hard to figure out what I'm doing, when I'm still, it comes to me much easier because now it's like, you know, my soul or God is kind of like, okay, now we can get through, you know, give her what she needs.

[00:38:09] And so it's like a non-answer answer, but not doing is what brings me peace. The stillness is what brings me peace.

[00:38:17] That's an answer. That's not a me. That's 100% an answer. Stillness makes sense to me. And I hope it makes sense to others.

[00:38:28] So we, we learn to going through what you've shared so far. We learn to like pour into ourselves. We learn soul care. We learn to sprinkle our overflow into others.

[00:38:43] When is the time when you're able to just like let out your inner child, that playfulness, that silliness? And I always share the story that it's with my, my oldest daughter and my bonus daughter.

[00:38:56] They're around the same age. And, and so people who don't know that side of me would be like, is that Nikita? Cause I'm silly. I'm goofy. I'm awkward. I'm, it's just, it's a, it's yeah.

[00:39:07] And so that's when that side comes out of me. I'm doing pranks. I'm making fun.

[00:39:13] Dancing goofy. Just all the things. And it doesn't have to look like that for your inner child. Doesn't have to look like that for you.

[00:39:21] But when is it that you let your inner child out and what does it look like?

[00:39:26] Gosh. So the first thing that I thought when I heard this question is this is probably one of those spaces where I feel like I can do better because I'm, I am.

[00:39:38] I have to remind myself not to take life so serious sometimes. Cause I'm, I can be so focused on a goal or like, again, like working towards this big picture vision that I can just like have my head down like a racehorse and need to come up for air.

[00:39:52] I feel, I feel like I'll, I'll answer this in a different way. When I think about my inner child, I think about my most authentic self, right? Like that, that version of myself that I was before I started existing the way that the world needed me to be.

[00:40:06] And there's a few things that bring that version of me out. So I am a lifelong learner. And so I love learning. And so when I'm reading and learning, and this might be so boring to some people, but I get excited about learning.

[00:40:19] Like I talked about human design and astrology, like any new concept, you know, that pulls me in, I can just get so giddy and excited. And then I want to like share it with everyone too. There's, there's a part of that, that, you know, really awakens my inner child.

[00:40:32] So learning feels authentic to me, but then also I have like college relationships, my girlfriends that I can get around. And I love how we have evolved into these like adult human beings. And then we can get together and just be those versions of ourselves that we were as teenagers and 20 somethings. And it's really beautiful. Like I have lawyer friends and it's just like, we can go out and you can be standing on a table.

[00:41:00] And I'm like, yes, girl. Cause you need that. You've been stressed out. Like you've been home with these kids and trying to figure out these cases and when these cases for people. And so my inner child comes out when I am around people who I got to exist as, you know, this, this simpler version of myself.

[00:41:16] You know, my children helped me with it, but I feel like a lot of time, a lot of times with them, I'm in mommy mode. Like I'm, you know, I'm trying to get whatever thing done that I have still have very young children. So they still require a lot.

[00:41:27] I think as, as they are getting older, we are, they, it is helpful for them to see me laugh and I'm allowing myself to laugh more with them and not be so serious.

[00:41:36] But I would say that like learning and again, just being in the company of girlfriends that feel safe and that I can just fully be my authentic self with are some of the ways that my inner child or my most authentic self, she comes out and she hangs out.

[00:41:51] I think that is the exact answer because it is your authentic self.

[00:41:56] It's happening to that, that unadulterated. This is who I am.

[00:42:00] I'm filtered.

[00:42:02] Yeah.

[00:42:02] If I feel like being silly, if I say no, I don't want to that. Yes.

[00:42:06] So I'm glad that you do have that space and I acknowledge your acknowledgement that it is something that you can still work.

[00:42:12] Yes, for sure.

[00:42:14] I think we can because we're taught that as you become an adult, you have to mature out of that.

[00:42:19] And I think that is bad programming for lack of a better word.

[00:42:24] I don't think we should.

[00:42:25] I think sometimes we do take ourselves too seriously and that is actually a key component of being resilient.

[00:42:31] So if you're not taking yourself too seriously, it allows us to not be so hard on ourselves and allows us to not take life so seriously.

[00:42:40] And it decreases our stress.

[00:42:42] So thank you for that.

[00:42:43] Yeah.

[00:42:44] And I love that follow up.

[00:42:46] How is your self-talk?

[00:42:48] Are you challenging negative thoughts?

[00:42:51] It's these questions for me, Nikita.

[00:42:54] Okay.

[00:42:57] They're really good questions though.

[00:43:00] Gosh.

[00:43:01] So I have gotten better.

[00:43:02] It's a work in progress, right?

[00:43:05] With affirming myself and letting myself know when I'm proud.

[00:43:10] I have right next to me a book that I have affirmations and prayers and things written in.

[00:43:16] And I read that in the mornings as a part of my morning routine, but I've added to that a wins list.

[00:43:21] And so in that, I write down when things happen, whether it's a small win or a close contract,

[00:43:27] or I felt really good today because of how I showed up on this podcast.

[00:43:32] Like, you know, whatever wins I want to celebrate can be a part of that.

[00:43:35] So for me, the allowing myself to celebrate and be proud of myself, I write it down.

[00:43:42] But I also have those conversations in my head.

[00:43:44] Like, I have to tell myself when I do something, I'm proud of you.

[00:43:48] You know what I mean?

[00:43:48] Like, I am proud of the woman that you are becoming.

[00:43:50] I am proud of how you just showed up for X, Y, Z.

[00:43:53] So a part of my self-talk is affirming myself and, you know, acknowledging when I am proud of myself.

[00:44:00] And it's a both and of, again, also realizing that that is a space of growth for me.

[00:44:06] I'm not a big words of affirmation, girls.

[00:44:08] I am big on acts of service.

[00:44:09] I will do all the things, you know, and you don't have to tell me to do the things.

[00:44:13] But I have had to learn for myself and for the people in my life to, you know,

[00:44:18] have to talk positively to myself and to express that outwardly.

[00:44:23] And so even today, like I had a coaching call for myself with the organization that does like parent coaching.

[00:44:31] And I was talking about how sometimes I can get really negative when I make mistakes as a parent and I can like get lost in that space.

[00:44:37] And so I am sharing where I feel like I do well.

[00:44:41] But then I also recognize that that, too, is a space of growth for me.

[00:44:44] The wins list definitely helps, though.

[00:44:46] So it's a reminder of because I think my mom actually told me to start the wins list.

[00:44:53] We can get so caught up in doing every day and we forget the receipts.

[00:44:58] And she's like, girl, you you are out here killing it.

[00:45:00] And, you know, you're so busy working on the goals and so focused that you sometimes forget, like start going back and checking the receipts.

[00:45:07] And so for me, like it's a visual of the self-talk that I have with myself when I can look over that wins list.

[00:45:12] And that makes me feel proud, too.

[00:45:13] Thank you.

[00:45:14] And I struggle with that as well.

[00:45:18] I'm working on it.

[00:45:19] I call myself a recovery perfectionist because I would say, got that done, check what's next.

[00:45:25] Yep.

[00:45:26] What's next?

[00:45:26] Before you even breathe.

[00:45:28] Right?

[00:45:28] And I was saying way back here.

[00:45:33] Because my mind was going, but I'm not here yet.

[00:45:35] Exactly.

[00:45:36] Yep.

[00:45:38] Yep.

[00:45:38] Yep.

[00:45:39] And so I have to force myself to stop and do what you call the wins list, which makes, which takes me to this follow up question of what advice you have for people who are, and women specifically, who are still struggling with that.

[00:45:58] But in addition to, because you mentioned affirmations, sometimes affirmations work, sometimes they don't.

[00:46:03] Yeah.

[00:46:03] Yeah.

[00:46:04] What are other techniques that you could share for women who are not acknowledging the growth or the progress that they've made?

[00:46:14] So definitely the wins list for the girlies like me who are not maybe the affirmation people.

[00:46:19] We can write it down.

[00:46:21] Right?

[00:46:21] And that becomes helpful.

[00:46:22] And sometimes I'll just flip that open when I'm having a moment and I'm like, don't forget all the things that you've done well, even if this thing didn't go the way that you wanted.

[00:46:29] Right.

[00:46:29] So that is really helpful.

[00:46:31] Another thing that's helpful for me is looking, even though I relate so much and resonate so much with the, I'm not who I want to, or I'm not this version of myself, or I haven't achieved this big picture vision.

[00:46:44] I keep going back to that.

[00:46:45] And so sometimes again, I can get lost in, well, I'm not there yet.

[00:46:48] I haven't done that yet.

[00:46:49] However, when I look back on where I was seven years ago when I started my journey, or when I look back on even where I was almost five years ago in 2020, when I started this daily practice and I see physically, right?

[00:47:04] So I'm down and I've maintained over four and a half years, a loss of 45 pounds.

[00:47:08] When I look at my habits, right?

[00:47:10] When I look at the version of myself that I once dreamed about, like I can go back and read journals from seven years ago or five years ago.

[00:47:18] And I wrote that I wanted to be this version of myself.

[00:47:21] When we are so focused and goal driven, we don't realize that we are right now living what we pray for at some point in our lives.

[00:47:29] And so it's the reminder of even though, right?

[00:47:33] Even though you are not yet this full version of yourself that you envision, right?

[00:47:38] One, you got to recognize that life is all about the becoming.

[00:47:42] And so you're always going to be evolving and becoming.

[00:47:45] But Dom, you got to slow down and look at where you were three years ago, five years ago, seven years ago and celebrate, right?

[00:47:54] Like how much you have been able to evolve and who you have become.

[00:47:58] And so I would say for anyone right now listening to this who can relate to this,

[00:48:02] sis, even though you are not where you want to be, if you have grown from yesterday, from a week ago, from last month, right?

[00:48:11] From six months ago, if you are a better version of yourself, as long as it's one foot in front of the other every day, then you're winning, right?

[00:48:18] Because I believe if we aren't growing, think about a plant.

[00:48:22] It's growing or dying, right?

[00:48:23] It doesn't really stay in the middle.

[00:48:25] And so as long as every day, even if it's just 1% better every single day, as long as you're growing every day, then you are winning.

[00:48:31] And I want you to affirm that to yourself every day.

[00:48:34] Yes, all of that.

[00:48:35] I love that.

[00:48:35] Thank you.

[00:48:36] Thank you for that question because that's a big one for me.

[00:48:39] Yeah, of course.

[00:48:41] This is a two-part question.

[00:48:43] Okay.

[00:48:44] How is your relationship with yourself?

[00:48:47] It's part one.

[00:48:48] Part two is, do you believe, actually it's three parts, do you believe that it's important for people to assess their relationship with themselves?

[00:49:00] If so, why?

[00:49:02] Gosh, such a good question.

[00:49:04] I love, even in the midst of recognizing that there's always room for growth,

[00:49:10] I love the relationship I have with myself now because I feel like I see myself fully.

[00:49:18] I used to have so much unworthiness and this almost like just a blockage up where I couldn't see my gifts

[00:49:26] and I couldn't see my skills and I couldn't see my worth and my value.

[00:49:29] And every now and then, I'm human.

[00:49:32] There are times where I second-guess myself.

[00:49:34] But again, checking the receipts.

[00:49:36] But I share that to say that I see myself fully now, which makes me appreciate self a lot more than I was able to do in the past.

[00:49:46] And I feel like this daily practice of, I call it a spiritual practice, but I really feel like it's a coming home to self every day.

[00:49:53] And that's a part of why I love this practice.

[00:49:55] Every single day, I'm with myself.

[00:49:57] I'm sitting with myself.

[00:49:58] I'm being with myself.

[00:49:59] I'm checking in with myself.

[00:50:01] So I feel like I have a great relationship with myself.

[00:50:04] I think that we do really well as humans with prioritizing external relationships.

[00:50:10] So partner, children, colleagues, friends, not many of us stop and think about when was the last time I sat with myself?

[00:50:18] I will take myself out on a date.

[00:50:20] I will take myself on trip.

[00:50:21] I love a good solo trip, right?

[00:50:23] Like I love myself and I enjoy being with myself.

[00:50:28] And I grew up an only child, so that could be a part of it where I enjoy being with myself at a different level than some people.

[00:50:33] But I'm good with my own company.

[00:50:36] I'm content with myself.

[00:50:37] And I think that, to me, that is a strength and a gift because I can look at relationships and people around me and see how people feel like they need other people, right?

[00:50:47] To be happy and to be complete.

[00:50:49] And it's like, yeah, it's nice.

[00:50:52] Don't get me wrong, God.

[00:50:53] If you're listening, I know you are.

[00:50:54] I want a partner, you know, at some point.

[00:50:56] But I'm also so content with myself.

[00:50:59] And that shows in the way that I, again, prioritize myself.

[00:51:02] So that's the first part.

[00:51:03] I feel really proud.

[00:51:04] And this, when I think about resilience and skill building, this has been seven years of building relationship with myself, right?

[00:51:12] It wasn't always like this for people that are listening.

[00:51:14] I want to be very clear about that.

[00:51:16] So that's the first thing.

[00:51:18] And then the second part was assessing.

[00:51:20] How do I assess that relationship with myself?

[00:51:23] It's a daily coming home to self.

[00:51:25] I'm going to go back to that.

[00:51:27] So making time every day, even if it's for, you know, five or ten minutes to be with myself.

[00:51:34] And when I say self, I'm not just talking about physical self.

[00:51:37] Like my soul is a part of who I am.

[00:51:39] So I make time every day to connect with that version of myself also to allow myself to be guided and to make sure that I'm in alignment.

[00:51:46] I make time every day for prayer and then meditation, right?

[00:51:50] So I can hear from God, from source.

[00:51:52] I'm intentional about that every single day.

[00:51:54] And so that goes back to the start of the episode of why this daily practice is so important.

[00:51:59] Because I make time for myself, for the relationship with myself every day, right?

[00:52:04] I know you talked about how when you asked me about self-discovery and knowing myself.

[00:52:10] Again, like this has been intentional over years of making time to be with myself and to understand myself.

[00:52:16] And so I love and I'm grateful for all of the other relationships around me.

[00:52:20] But they are such a complement to me, right?

[00:52:23] To the relationship that I have with myself first.

[00:52:26] And that has been a practice that has been built over a couple of years.

[00:52:29] Thank you.

[00:52:30] And then the last part of that is, do you think it's important for people to assess their relationship with themselves?

[00:52:36] And so why?

[00:52:39] Yes.

[00:52:40] I would go back to what I said about when you look at just when it comes to self-assessment, right?

[00:52:48] We, again, especially if we are in like a romantic relationship, look at how much priority we might put on that relationship, right?

[00:52:55] We put a lot of effort, most, not always, but we put a lot of effort and energy into that external relationship.

[00:53:00] And then what might be next on the list is if you have children, you put a lot of effort and energy into that relationship.

[00:53:05] And then from there, it might be family and friends and maybe colleagues.

[00:53:09] Again, we're at the bottom.

[00:53:11] Like how often do you stop to think about how I feel about myself?

[00:53:15] Or when was the last time I sat with myself?

[00:53:18] Or do I know myself, right?

[00:53:20] So again, I think that when it comes to soul care, we have to put ourselves at the top.

[00:53:25] But our relationship with ourselves and building and cultivating that relationship is no different from exerting energy and effort into any external relationship.

[00:53:36] Any relationship that's going to last requires cultivation, right?

[00:53:39] If a marriage, if you don't pour into your marriage, it's not going to last.

[00:53:43] If you don't pour into and be intentional about the relationship with your friends, they aren't going to last.

[00:53:47] And so if we are doing so busy doing all of those things and never coming home to ourselves and being with ourselves, then we won't have a good relationship with ourselves.

[00:53:56] And so if you look at your calendar, right?

[00:53:59] And you got all these other priorities and things scheduled.

[00:54:01] We got work.

[00:54:01] We got, you know, the kids extracurriculars and all of the things.

[00:54:04] And if you don't have no time on your, I have time on my calendar for myself, right?

[00:54:08] Like I prioritize myself in the midst of my calendar.

[00:54:11] So even that, just looking at how you allocate your time and is there any time for me to be with myself?

[00:54:17] And if the answer is no, then you can start today with five or 10 minutes and just build.

[00:54:22] It doesn't have to be super drastic or super long, right?

[00:54:25] I think we live in a society where it's like kind of this all or nothing mentality.

[00:54:28] You can start with five or 10 minutes and that will make a big difference practice consistently over time.

[00:54:34] I love that.

[00:54:35] And if I could add to that, I would say it's important because this relationship with yourself, even though we weren't taught this,

[00:54:42] this is the relationship that you're going to spend the most time in.

[00:54:46] You spend no time with anyone more than you spend with yourself.

[00:54:51] And so we want to cultivate this beautiful, healthy relationship with ourselves so that we can then better challenge those negative thoughts that pop up.

[00:54:59] It's like, no, I've been nurturing myself.

[00:55:01] I've been encouraging myself.

[00:55:02] And so I am in a healthier place because this is our longest relationship with ourselves.

[00:55:10] Yeah.

[00:55:10] And so I like that answer.

[00:55:12] Thank you so much.

[00:55:13] Yeah.

[00:55:13] Thank you.

[00:55:14] Thank you for the answer.

[00:55:15] I love these questions.

[00:55:17] I'm happy I didn't prepare because I would have, I probably would have came with completely different answers, but I love these questions.

[00:55:23] I'm loving your openness and transparency in your answers.

[00:55:27] And again, it's, this is weird and I hope you don't think it's, but when you're answering questions, I feel like you're answering on my behalf.

[00:55:39] Like your answers have been responses that if I were on your side, you're asking me those questions.

[00:55:44] Those are answers I would have given.

[00:55:46] I love that.

[00:55:47] I love that.

[00:55:47] What is it?

[00:55:48] Kinder Spirits.

[00:55:49] I think we attract, you know, similar people.

[00:55:52] And so I'm not, I'm actually not shocked to hear that, especially because I do a lot of podcast guesting and podcast interviewing.

[00:55:58] And I always see myself and other people, like not all of it, but I always see myself and other people's stories.

[00:56:04] But I think that we attract based on where we are vibrationally.

[00:56:06] What is something you're proud of?

[00:56:10] Hmm.

[00:56:12] I always go with the first thing that pops into my head.

[00:56:15] And I am almost three years of being separated from my ex-husband.

[00:56:22] And although that was a really big transition and a really hard time in my life, we met at 17 and we were together until I was 34.

[00:56:31] And so half my life, I was with this person, right?

[00:56:33] This was my person.

[00:56:35] And I, when, when it was time for me to face what, how my heart was leading me, I mean, I was the one who, you know, decided to walk away from the marriage.

[00:56:45] It was a really hard decision because I had been with him for so long.

[00:56:49] But there was also this fear of like, am I going to be okay on my own?

[00:56:53] Like, am I going to be able to survive in this world on my own?

[00:56:56] Because I've known this person.

[00:56:59] I've had this help for a lot of my adult life.

[00:57:01] And there was so much fear.

[00:57:02] And honestly, if I'm being honest, I overstayed in that relationship way past when I first, you know, started feeling like I had reached the point where I could grow as much as my soul could grow.

[00:57:14] Because that's what it was for me.

[00:57:15] It's like my soul has gotten all that it can get out of this.

[00:57:17] But I overstayed there because I was so afraid of surviving and if I would be able to make it on my own.

[00:57:24] And so when I look at where my life is now, I am really proud that I have proven and continue my resilience, right?

[00:57:32] I have proven and continue to prove to myself that it ain't always been easy.

[00:57:37] I ain't even gonna sit up here in front like it has been.

[00:57:39] But I am proud of myself because I have proven that, yes, you can bet on yourself and make it in this world.

[00:57:46] And there's the mental, right?

[00:57:49] Loss of not having that person, the emotional and mental support.

[00:57:53] There's the financial piece of it.

[00:57:55] I am a full-time entrepreneur and a co-parenting mom.

[00:57:58] And so when it comes to finances, it's all on me.

[00:58:02] There's no one helping me.

[00:58:03] There's not a whole bunch to fall back on.

[00:58:05] And I am really proud that in the midst of this being my life and my circumstance, I am still betting on myself and saying yes and being obedient to God and saying I'm gonna do the work.

[00:58:17] I don't know how, you know, how it, I don't sometimes it's like, I don't know how this is gonna work out.

[00:58:21] But you know, God, I trust you.

[00:58:22] I trust me.

[00:58:23] I built that relationship with myself.

[00:58:24] And so we're gonna figure this thing out.

[00:58:26] But I'm proud of that because it can be easy.

[00:58:29] Like I was telling another co-parenting, you know, divorced mama, it's one thing to take a risk and take a leap and to go all in on entrepreneurship when you have some cushion.

[00:58:41] And for a lot of my adult life, I had that.

[00:58:43] But it's another thing when you out here on your own and if you know anything about entrepreneurship, you know, in the beginning, I'm in it five years, but there's a lot of building before you get to that stable place.

[00:58:52] So it takes a lot more risks, right, to bet on yourself and to be obedient and to trust the process when it's just you.

[00:58:59] But I'm really proud of myself because I could easily be like, well, I'm a mom, you know, I'm gonna make all these excuses and things.

[00:59:05] And everyone's lives are different.

[00:59:07] And so I don't want anyone listening to this to feel like it's a slight.

[00:59:11] But there is something about feeling a calling on your heart and being obedient to that calling when it is very risky and very scary.

[00:59:18] And so I'm proud of myself for that today.

[00:59:20] Good job.

[00:59:21] Congratulations.

[00:59:22] Thank you.

[00:59:23] Thank you.

[00:59:24] I'm also an entrepreneur.

[00:59:25] I do.

[00:59:26] Yes.

[00:59:28] What is the healthiest thing you've done for yourself?

[00:59:36] Sleep.

[00:59:37] Getting some sleep.

[00:59:39] Resting.

[00:59:40] I, um, my sleep pattern for the last couple of months has been like, I've been waking up at very weird times.

[00:59:48] I think because I have a, what I am interpreting it as is because of my spiritual practice, it has gotten deeper.

[00:59:55] I feel like my, I'm, I'm, you know, between like two and 5 a.m. is where you're very connected to the, to the spiritual realm.

[01:00:01] I didn't know that.

[01:00:02] Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[01:00:04] And so I wake up a lot of times very early in the morning between that 2 and like 4 a.m. period.

[01:00:14] And it impacts me as I go through my day.

[01:00:15] Sometimes I don't always have the energy.

[01:00:17] And so the healthiest thing that I do for myself is prioritize my sleep, which has looked like creating a better evening routine to get to sleep earlier because of the waking up earlier.

[01:00:26] Um, and even just allowing myself to rest throughout the day.

[01:00:29] Like when I finished earlier, I could have found a lot of other things to do, you know, that need to be done, but I was like, no, I'm going to rest.

[01:00:36] And so these days, the healthiest thing I'm doing is prioritizing rest and sleep.

[01:00:40] I like that.

[01:00:41] I think that's good.

[01:00:42] I think that is a good part of, uh, to circle back to your answer earlier.

[01:00:46] I do get that answer when I ask people, what does their self-care look like?

[01:00:50] Which is why I take that question out.

[01:00:52] Uh, I mean, I, I, I highlight it cause I get that answer of, oh, I did my nails.

[01:00:56] I did this.

[01:00:56] But when I think of self-care, I think of those things that you're talking about.

[01:01:00] Am I resting?

[01:01:01] Am I hydrated?

[01:01:02] Am I moving my body?

[01:01:04] Am I, uh, putting in good nutrients?

[01:01:07] And so to me, that self-care, which you defined as soul care, which I like.

[01:01:12] Um, and so I, I, I like the answer.

[01:01:14] It was really good.

[01:01:15] Thank you.

[01:01:16] Yes.

[01:01:16] I agree with you.

[01:01:17] This conversation has been amazing.

[01:01:20] Thank you.

[01:01:21] Amazing.

[01:01:21] Amazing.

[01:01:22] Before we close out, do you have any last thoughts or anything that I did not address that you

[01:01:28] want to address?

[01:01:29] What is coming top of mind?

[01:01:30] I always go with what's top of heart.

[01:01:32] I should say for me is for the women listening who resonated with any part of this conversation

[01:01:38] today, whether it's recognizing that you need to prioritize your health and well being

[01:01:43] better, or maybe you need to start thinking about what it looks like to build a better relationship

[01:01:49] with self.

[01:01:50] Or maybe you need to figure out what it looks like to come off of autopilot so you can find

[01:01:56] the joy and the fulfillment that you deserve in your life.

[01:01:58] Any one of those three.

[01:01:59] Like if I had to group everything, I think those would be the three buckets.

[01:02:03] I just want to remind you that you're worthy and deserving of that, right?

[01:02:06] Like we often feel like we got to settle, whether it's a relationship or a job, you know,

[01:02:12] settle into a life of status quo.

[01:02:14] And like, well, I guess this is the best that I can get right with the partner, with anything

[01:02:19] that we do.

[01:02:20] And it's like, sis, you are so worthy.

[01:02:22] Like, you know, you are so worthy and deserving of going after the big, bold life that you desire.

[01:02:28] I have a sticky note on my, my wall that says you are worthy of the big, bold life you desire.

[01:02:34] And so I will leave that with you all today.

[01:02:36] It looks different for each of us, right?

[01:02:38] There's, there's a different calling on our heart.

[01:02:40] There's something different that we need, but whatever calling is on your heart, know

[01:02:45] that God entrusted that to you, right?

[01:02:47] Like he, he, spirit gives us all different things.

[01:02:51] And so that isn't just there because it's there because it's meant for your soul and you

[01:02:56] are worthy of that.

[01:02:58] And so whatever that looks like for you, I just want to leave you with a reminder of your

[01:03:01] worthiness today.

[01:03:03] Thank you.

[01:03:04] Those are beautiful, absolutely beautiful words to end.

[01:03:08] Thank you.

[01:03:08] Thank you so much for your time.

[01:03:10] Thank you for having me.

[01:03:11] This, this has felt like, um, sometimes I say it feels like being, uh, having a cup of

[01:03:16] coffee, but this felt like we were just on each other's couch and just like chatting it

[01:03:20] up.

[01:03:20] So I've loved this so much.

[01:03:25] I hope this episode gave you some tools to connect with and increase your resiliency.

[01:03:30] I'm proud of you.

[01:03:32] Let's keep up the momentum.

[01:03:33] Follow Resilient Life on your favorite podcast platform and on YouTube at Resilient Life Podcast.

[01:03:39] Until next time, be kind to yourself and others.