Unyielding Spirit: Resilience Through a Survivor's Eyes

[00:00:00] You are listening to Resilient Life, the podcast where we explore the power of resiliency.

[00:00:10] I'm Nikita Ross. It is my hope that listeners of this podcast will give you the tools to

[00:00:17] connect with and increase your resiliency. So join me on this adventure of self-discovery

[00:00:24] and self-love. Thank you for joining us for this week's episode of Resilient Life.

[00:00:37] This week's guest is extra special. Will you please introduce yourself and your chosen profession?

[00:00:43] My name is Layla Bishop, my chosen profession is a workforce development administrator. I'm also

[00:00:50] a realtor and adject professor but for my personal life I am a wife, a mom, a friend, a Christian,

[00:00:58] just person, human. And a helper? And a helper. You are. You do that very well. Thank you, Layla,

[00:01:04] for agreeing to be on this show this week. After all those things you listed we know that you're

[00:01:10] pretty busy so I appreciate you taking time to meet with me and discuss Resilient Life. Absolutely.

[00:01:16] I'll start with the first question. How do you define Resilience? How do I define Resilience?

[00:01:24] It's just to keep going no matter what life throws at you is just to keep going.

[00:01:28] It doesn't always have to be wrapped in a pretty little bow. You don't have to do it with a

[00:01:33] grateful, joyful heart. You just have to keep going. You can be angry while you're doing it,

[00:01:39] sad while you're doing it, happy while you're doing it. It's that driver that need or that feeling

[00:01:44] just to keep going. I love that. I love that you said because I've mentioned this before

[00:01:50] and I love that you touched on it is that you don't have to do it while you're happy or as you said

[00:01:56] enjoy, you can do it while you're angry while you're tired while you're frustrated just do it

[00:02:02] and the it is not giving up. Is that correct Layla? Absolutely. Absolutely. With that definition in mind

[00:02:09] do you consider yourself to be resilient? I do. I do 100% I do. Oh man there are so many different ways

[00:02:17] as a resilient daughter, my brother passed away when I was about 17 years old and we were only two

[00:02:25] years apart so to be able to help navigate that with my mom, with myself, with my brother, with my

[00:02:32] dad and just finding peace after that and then building relationships with my family.

[00:02:42] I feel like I'm resilient that way. I am a four-time breast cancer survivor so I feel like I'm

[00:02:48] resilient in that way and my husband about a year after I was first diagnosed with breast cancer

[00:02:56] and my daughters were five years old so that was pretty tough and to just navigate that over the last

[00:03:05] 13 years with joy and peace and you know a little bit of sadness, a little bit of anger but I've

[00:03:11] never let that stop me or never let that define me or stop me from doing the things that I enjoy.

[00:03:18] So my resilient taking chances of being brave, not taking the nose and letting them keep me down.

[00:03:28] One thing I've always told my children is if you don't ask the answer will always be no

[00:03:34] and I've lived by that I think probably my whole life and I just keep pushing past things.

[00:03:42] I know that there's storms that will happen in life but it's so beautiful and so sweet when you

[00:03:47] reach the other side. Yeah, those are great. I don't know if you caught it and you're actually not

[00:03:54] everyone does this but you gave the definition of this is what resilience means to me and then you

[00:04:02] literally talked about how your life, your perspective matches exactly with that. Then not giving up,

[00:04:10] you've had some pretty rough, tough, traumatic things happen and you literally said I didn't let

[00:04:18] it stop me. I didn't give up. I wasn't always joyful because it's hard to lose a family member

[00:04:25] a sibling someone close to you. It's hard to survive breast cancer four times and so when you

[00:04:34] what I admire about your definition of resilience, your personal resilience is you didn't

[00:04:43] make it seem like it was this fluffy rainbow and the sky kind of thing you said there was some hard

[00:04:50] stuff and times are hard and I also didn't let me keep me down for too long

[00:04:59] and so I really admire that about you and in your definition of resilience. So thank you for that.

[00:05:07] Oh absolutely. I want to know Leila what brings you joy?

[00:05:14] What brings me joy? One, I like that you say the word joy because I've always believed that

[00:05:19] happiness fluctuates right and then joy is something that is in you. It is around you.

[00:05:25] What brings me joy is I think helping others mainly, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and to

[00:05:34] share with others so they don't make those same mistakes. I think that brings me joy. Helping people

[00:05:39] if they want to attain, helping people realize that it's not the things that are important. It's

[00:05:50] those moments in your life that you can reflect on. It brings me joy, my family, my friends, food.

[00:05:58] I think food and I think you know that about me as food brings me joy.

[00:06:03] For many reason it not only nourishes our body but it's also an opportunity for us to be together.

[00:06:09] I think sitting out a table sitting outside, taking a walk when food is involved it's just

[00:06:16] I don't know, it's the taste of life to me. That gives us that joy. My church serving as a beacon

[00:06:24] and my church that brings me joy. I guess it goes back to that helping others but that brings me joy.

[00:06:32] Seeing others succeed in their passions like what you're doing, that brings me joy.

[00:06:37] I think you answered this question around the edges and so I just want to ask you directly

[00:06:46] what's your purpose? What's my purpose? Oh man, my purpose is to be a light to others.

[00:06:52] To me that's what it is, is to be a light. A lot of people are in dark places, a lot of people are

[00:06:58] in that kind of gray and a lot of people are out in the sunshine but don't feel like that they

[00:07:04] are. So I think for me my purpose is just to be a light. I think that you are doing a great job at

[00:07:12] serving the purpose. And I love that that falls under your, because you mentioned being a helper

[00:07:20] several times now and I love that being a light and being a helper you want to be a light as well

[00:07:28] because are you really helping if you're not kind of caring and optimistic?

[00:07:33] And so I really think that that's awesome. That you know your purpose, there are some of us

[00:07:41] who don't know what our purpose is and they're still trying to figure it out. So I think you

[00:07:46] are in a great spot that you already know your purpose and I can only imagine how good that feels

[00:07:53] to know it and to be able to live it every day. That doesn't mean that sometimes we don't miss

[00:07:59] the mark because we're human but you are at something to live it every day and I say that because

[00:08:04] I know you. And so I think that's fantastic. Yeah, and what is the healthiest thing you've done for yourself?

[00:08:14] The healthiest thing I've done for myself. Setting boundaries, you know I feel like because I am

[00:08:21] such a helper and I am so busy and all of these things that sometimes I forget that I have to take care

[00:08:26] of me and even though it's easy to be like, oh I got that. I got that no problem. I'll take care of

[00:08:33] it. It does truly start to dim your light. So I think the healthiest thing that I've done and I

[00:08:41] continue to do throughout my life is setting boundaries for myself to say no to say I can't help you

[00:08:47] right now to say I need you to give me some time to be that helper or I need you to check in with me

[00:08:54] because even though it seems like I have it all together, like sometimes you know hey are you good

[00:09:00] or instead of like hey how are you doing? Oh good I'm fine. It's more of the how are you

[00:09:06] and then that allows me to say you know what today I'm not okay. My daughters for example they've

[00:09:14] known me their whole lives and they think that mom isn't sad sometimes. Mom isn't doesn't have

[00:09:23] it all together. So when I share that hey I'm setting this boundary for myself because I'm not

[00:09:30] always okay when you guys call or when we're together and they're like huh I thought mom just

[00:09:37] was like perfect and it's really showing them that we are not all perfect it will never be perfect

[00:09:44] right and we should have strived to be perfect we should just strive to be the best versions of

[00:09:49] ourselves. Yeah I think that that is a common struggle for parents and I can only speak as a mom

[00:09:59] dad's probably go through it too in non-gender identify individuals. I can only speak as a mom

[00:10:08] that we want to be that all for our kids and it's like the delicate balance of being that

[00:10:16] constant support everything they need I'm strong for you and as they get older letting them know that

[00:10:27] it's okay to be vulnerable it's okay to need time to yourself and for me

[00:10:33] which is really big that you said it's okay to have boundaries. Can you tell me Layla why

[00:10:39] uh boundaries are important? For me boundaries are important as because I will burn myself out like I

[00:10:48] will do it all until I can't anymore. It's a protective factor for me um because I can't help

[00:10:56] my help others if I can't help myself if I can't yes and if I can't be healthy joyful in my life

[00:11:04] it's hard to be that light it's hard to be happy and healthy for other people and then I think

[00:11:09] it's also is a walk the talk so if you're telling other people create boundaries for yourself do

[00:11:16] some self-care but you yourself are not setting boundaries or doing that self-care I think it makes

[00:11:22] it hard for people to believe you or to do it for themselves. So for my kids it's an example of saying

[00:11:30] I'm not okay today it's okay for me to visit where this is I'm just not going to live there but

[00:11:36] it's okay to visit you know it's okay to be sad it's okay to cry just don't live there you know

[00:11:43] and I mean we were giving all of these emotions for a reason and I think sometimes our society

[00:11:50] attaches negative meanings to being sad or crying or emotional whether or man woman or whatever

[00:11:57] you just have this negativity around it and when you normalize crying or being sad or being

[00:12:04] angry or yelling out the car window I think we're healthier for that so those are all boundaries

[00:12:09] from me and I think it's important to have those boundaries yeah I think they're resonated with me

[00:12:15] Laila that you said is the the emotions and I would teach my daughters that there's no such

[00:12:23] thing as a negative emotion emotions are the problem comes with how we express those emotions

[00:12:32] and so I like that you said you know you can sit with it for a little bit or hear me yell out of

[00:12:38] a car window which I never thought of mine is more of a screaming to a pillow or sometimes we

[00:12:46] would get a bat and just like beat a pillow and get the rage out but I remember I got a

[00:12:52] buscrumed out of my car when don't I may try that oh do it it's totally therapeutic wins hitting

[00:12:57] your face and then you just yell out the window and you're just like okay I'm gonna try it I'll

[00:13:03] try that but I love that acknowledgement because you're correct as humans as a society we haven't

[00:13:14] quite gotten it right on this whole where emotional beings think and how to navigate through those

[00:13:20] emotions in a healthy way we're working on it we're making progress but I would say as a collective

[00:13:28] I would still have some work to do so I'd love that we have pockets of people saying hey

[00:13:34] it's okay to have emotions it's how you express them that matters and try not to stay in the

[00:13:40] emotions for too long I like that for a person who either hasn't connected with their resiliency yet

[00:13:50] or wants to increase it how would you tell them to either connect with their resiliency or develop

[00:14:00] or increase their resiliency so I believe that everybody has resiliency I don't think that we get

[00:14:09] through this thing called life without having some sort of resiliency and we've been resilient

[00:14:15] beings since the day we were born I mean to have the courage to come into this world and navigate all

[00:14:22] of the expectations all of the challenges that happen from birth to all the time that we die everybody

[00:14:27] has some resiliency so first and foremost know you have resiliency to increase your resiliency is

[00:14:34] finding your purpose always wanting to learn more surrounding yourself with people who

[00:14:43] not I would say necessarily like minded because I don't think everybody's always like minded and I

[00:14:49] think you should surround yourself with people who challenge you people who are like you but really

[00:14:54] have that positive spirit majority of the time coming from a place of love like I live my life my

[00:15:02] husband as a berry live your life with love person my faith is about living your life with love

[00:15:07] and not judgment and I would encourage people who want to increase their resiliency to figure out what

[00:15:14] you're what you're striving for which purposes what your why is and then just doing it a little

[00:15:20] bit at a time and really recognizing everything you do is resilience from getting up in the morning

[00:15:29] making food for yourself going to work just anything is a form of resiliency and so kind of

[00:15:36] shifting your mindset to realize that Laila I love that I did an episode that's coming out soon and

[00:15:45] it literally said that I've been studying resiliency for over a decade and it wasn't until doing this

[00:15:54] podcast that I realized it is a mindset shift I literally thought it was like okay by quit people with

[00:16:02] these like traits help them get a healthy support system help them have a

[00:16:08] purpose like all of these and I was like check check check and now you should be resilient

[00:16:13] but it wasn't until I've been speaking with wonderful guests like yourself that I learned that it is

[00:16:18] what you said those things but mostly a mindset so thank you for that validation thank you

[00:16:27] I appreciate that that was really awesome tell me Laila what is your theme song so if you were

[00:16:35] looking in a mirror feeling good feeling glamorous and you wanted to like just feel yourself what song

[00:16:45] comes to your head you know what it's got interesting as you were saying that question all of the

[00:16:52] roll-odex of my favorite songs were going through my head my favorite bands my favorite artists

[00:16:58] but the one that keeps rolling in my head is that song by Mandisa I'm an overcomer

[00:17:04] just because of it okay so you have to listen to the song by Mandisa and it's like

[00:17:13] okay I cannot sing so don't put that in there it's okay like it's a lyrics or you can sing whatever

[00:17:21] you want it's a really good song just called I'm an overcomer like you overcome so many things and

[00:17:28] I guess I'm looking at myself in the mirror that's what I feel like oh my goodness I like that

[00:17:34] Laila where do you feel most at home I think at home you know at home okay we yeah you know we

[00:17:44] recently moved you know as you know further north with more property and we're discovering things

[00:17:51] about ourselves and we travel into the valley quite a bit and I think that's really probably

[00:17:58] encouraged me more to fill at home with my family friends or even by myself or with my husband

[00:18:06] or with my chickens or with the dog or whatever but I think at home is where I feel most at home

[00:18:10] I like it that is a fantastic answer and it's good because you spend so much time in that

[00:18:19] physical space of home and so I'm glad that at home is where you most fill at home I feel most at home

[00:18:29] my daughter and my bonus daughter because um I get to be my my silly my silly miss gets to come out

[00:18:38] and my silly side doesn't get to it's fine I can't I just feel most comfortable allowing my silly

[00:18:46] goofy awkward side out around my daughter my bonus daughter so that's where I feel most at home

[00:18:52] wherever we are there's not like a physical space for me it's when I'm able to like fully

[00:19:00] let out all of Nikita the quirks the goofy miss the awkwardness and that's what my daughter and

[00:19:06] bonus daughter and I think it's the same for them when I talk to them uh I don't directly ask

[00:19:15] them hey do I make you fill at home but when we talk about traveling and spending time together

[00:19:25] they're like oh yeah mom you have to be there so I'm like okay I think they also fill at home with me

[00:19:30] so that's a good thing yeah Laila what is the thing that has made you smile recently

[00:19:37] oh boy what does it mean you smile I mean doing this with you um you know getting to see you and your

[00:19:45] passion come to fruition and this today that's what's made me smile my husband doing the dishes have

[00:19:52] made me smile my friend coming to visit has made me smile my puppy makes me smile I feel like I like

[00:20:00] the smile pretty much a lot of things um you know I had a deacon's meeting this morning so

[00:20:05] I got to start my day off with making things a little bit better so a lot of things they made me smile in a day

[00:20:15] I like that I think what I hear from your answer is back to the whole joy thing right it's a choice

[00:20:25] so we can choose to smile or we can choose a complaint and so you have the personality

[00:20:35] I choose to smile based off of your answer aside from me knowing you just based off of your answer

[00:20:40] that you just gave up a lot of things make me smile and it's this and it's this and it's this

[00:20:46] do you agree that it's a choice it is a choice and along with that is recognizing that it's okay

[00:20:55] to smile even though you're not feeling happy or joyful at that moment like I feel like sometimes

[00:21:02] when we're not in a good mood we tell ourselves oh I can't smile but you can like if something's

[00:21:08] funny or something makes you laugh it's letting that guard down of I'm in a bad mood I'm

[00:21:14] gonna continue not to smile and just allowing yourself to smile giving yourself permission I think

[00:21:20] that's where our society kind of falters is not giving ourselves permission to be joyful in

[00:21:26] moments of sadness I kind of think of it like when people pass away right it's not a joyful time

[00:21:33] for people when their loved ones pass away but you find most people who know that they're going to

[00:21:39] pass say I don't want you to be sad and it's okay to smile have those fun memories about them yet

[00:21:48] hurt and it's a sad time but you can't smile so you can smile through the pain sometimes

[00:21:55] to get to that other side yeah and I agree and I think in addition to because you do take the

[00:22:02] time to grieve as you said and I would imagine or think about the times that I've lost someone

[00:22:09] that when I smiled it wasn't necessarily me smiling through the grief but it was me remembering

[00:22:16] positive or good things about that person fun times we had a great interaction and so again choice

[00:22:27] right yeah yeah yeah so we talked about boundaries we talked about the healthiest thing you've done

[00:22:38] what is something that you're proud of boy that's a loaded question so many things that I think

[00:22:47] that I'm proud of but I think the thing that I'm most proud of is building and surrounding myself

[00:22:55] with the community of people that shared love that shared joy in each other's joy that

[00:23:03] share sadness in each other's sadness and appreciating moments that build what we call life

[00:23:12] I mean we get one of them that's it you know you get one and so you want to make the most of it

[00:23:19] and I think surrounding myself with people who teach me every day and who I'm able to share my

[00:23:27] passion and love with I think that's what I'm most proud of I mean I'm proud of my family my kids my

[00:23:33] career and all of these things but at the end of the day if you're not sharing it with people

[00:23:39] and not sharing who you are and sharing your faith and surrounding yourself with those types of

[00:23:44] people then what are you doing you know what is your purpose so I think that's what I'm most proud

[00:23:49] of is building a positive community around myself I like that what advice would you have for people

[00:23:57] who are learning to build a positive community around themselves it may not be so you're pretty

[00:24:05] sociable it may not be as easy for everyone to do that what practical steps could you give someone

[00:24:12] who's who wants to do that balance it's about balance I am not always social sometimes I just

[00:24:22] want to ignore the world sometimes I want to be social it's about balancing balancing who you

[00:24:28] are not trying to be somebody else you know I'd like to be the one who can sing and tell jokes

[00:24:33] and all of these things but I'm just not that person you know be who you are and those types of people

[00:24:41] will gravitate towards you and you will gravitate towards them my husband a lot of people think

[00:24:46] that he's very social and he's not all the time but everybody loves him because he is who he is

[00:24:56] and I think for people who want to build that positive community is one be who you are because

[00:25:02] it's hard to sustain somebody that you're not it's okay to take time to balance your activities

[00:25:10] and figure out what you want you know and you know any negativity consistent negativity because

[00:25:17] everybody can be negative but any consistent negativity you have to reevaluate do I really want

[00:25:22] to have that negativity in my life why am I continuing to keep that negativity in my life

[00:25:28] and then have somebody to speak to somebody to be able to bounce things off of share your opinions

[00:25:34] somebody who validates your opinions and how you feel and you're going to get it wrong sometimes

[00:25:39] we're not wrong necessarily but it's not always going to work out the best way sometimes and

[00:25:44] it's okay there was a quote a long time ago I heard or read or something like that it sometimes

[00:25:50] people are in your life for a season sometimes people are in your life for the long haul and it's

[00:25:55] okay to let that fluctuate. Layla I appreciate the thoughtfulness you are giving in your answers

[00:26:02] a part of being resilient is not holding grudges not letting bitterness or resentment build up

[00:26:15] with that in mind do you feel like you've forgiven yourself mostly mostly there are things that I

[00:26:21] work on every day to continue to forgive myself for some of the things but I think my faith helps

[00:26:27] with that you know says God you know his mercies are new every day and for me I feel like I get

[00:26:34] it start over do over every day there's always those lingering things that you've done way back when

[00:26:39] that you're like oh that you haven't forgiven yourself but I would say mostly but I'm always

[00:26:44] a work in progress we're all walking works in progress so yeah I would say so we are

[00:26:50] Layla can you tell me why it's important for us as humans to figure out those oh my goodness

[00:26:58] it I would say that it's important because we can't move on we can't take those steps unless

[00:27:07] we have forgiven ourselves for whatever that is doesn't mean it goes away completely because it

[00:27:13] doesn't go away completely but that's that accepting I'm okay to not be okay with that and then

[00:27:19] move on because that's that kind of like staying in that space if you stay in that space you can't

[00:27:25] move on like truly move on it's important to forgive yourself a lot of times we take the blame for

[00:27:31] things that were either out of our control or that we didn't know that was happening or we weren't

[00:27:39] the only ones in it and sometimes it truly is us but in order to forgive ourselves we just have

[00:27:45] to say I forgive myself and continue that healing it's very therapeutic and that's very healing

[00:27:51] and I think that we all need to be healed those scars will still be there as a reminder but

[00:27:58] it's a very healing process once we forgive ourselves yeah I that's very powerful Layla I think

[00:28:06] in addition to that and I agree with everything you said I would say that when we

[00:28:12] struggle to forgive ourselves we carry around this shame and guilt which as you said

[00:28:19] um can cause us to be stuck and stuckness looks like not being able to fully radiate enjoy

[00:28:26] or love or sometimes having difficulty forgiving others because we haven't yet learned to forgive

[00:28:32] ourselves which makes me think about an answer that you gave earlier about the importance of boundaries

[00:28:39] because we can't pour from an empty cup so in filling up our cup with love self acceptance

[00:28:47] forgiving ourselves um we are then able to in your words be the life for others um share joy

[00:28:56] so that's what I love about self forgiveness and then I think that I struggle with

[00:29:02] the most Layla with forgiveness of myself wasn't it took me a long time to realize that I was on

[00:29:09] the best that I could with the information that I had at the time so because I've grown I'm like

[00:29:16] what would you ever do xyz and then it took lots of words from my therapist to say hey

[00:29:24] at that time did you know another way to do xyz and I was like no and then she was like so why are

[00:29:34] you beating yourself up when you did the best you knew how to do and so that is my uh constant

[00:29:44] uh for lack of a better word struggle that I face of like thinking about the things I've done

[00:29:51] when I was in my early 20s or late teams even probably up to my mid 20s and it's just like well

[00:29:59] where are you thinking I sub just constantly saying you're okay Nikita you did the best you knew how

[00:30:06] to do you weren't like trying to actively harm others and not that I caused harm intentionally

[00:30:14] but sometimes we unintentionally harm others when we are in our own trauma when we haven't healed

[00:30:19] and when we haven't forgiven ourselves and so I think your answer was really profound

[00:30:26] thank you thank you you're officially out of the hot seat I don't have any more questions for you

[00:30:34] do you have any less statements before we close out this episode

[00:30:40] just you know thank you for being open thank you for being brave thank you for yourself being

[00:30:47] resilient to whatever negative thoughts that you might have had doing this and still persevering

[00:30:55] and still pushing through that and being resilient yourself it's kind of like that walk the walk

[00:31:00] you are walking your talk and I love being your friend I love that you are in my community and I'm

[00:31:08] in your community positivity gratitude and love and just I love you Nikita and thank you

[00:31:15] I love you I love you Laila and thank you so much for again taking time out of your busy schedule

[00:31:24] and answering these questions with thoughtfulness and humility and vulnerability thank you Laila

[00:31:33] you're welcome I hope this episode gave you some tools to connect with and increase your resiliency

[00:31:40] I'm proud of you let's keep up the momentum follow resilient life on your favorite podcast platform

[00:31:46] and on youtube at resilient life podcast until next time be kind to yourself and others